Angela Philipps, Contributor
Have you met someone with whom you have clicked recently? Have you been on a few dates with him or her but you are wondering what to do now? Does this person live close by or far away from where you are?
Most relationships have stages, and I'd say that the most exciting one is the beginning. You like each other, you go out several times together, and the conversation is new and refreshing. It's bliss really. But where do you go from here?
Something special
A very good friend of mine is going through something similar. The only problem now is that the fellow lives close to 5,000 miles across the ocean! They've spent less than a week hanging out, but something special took place between their minds. So there are a couple options here. They try to forget about each other because the distance is too great, or they make a plan for one of them to visit the other soon. The former is easier in one way, but what if they end up wondering about what could have happened? The latter, on the other hand, gives them both a chance to see if their feelings are long-lasting and true. Of course, this is pointless if you can't do anything about it. Unless one is open to moving, it could lead to extreme heartbreak down the line.
Then there's the awkwardness of dealing with 'what happens now'? Who initiates the conversation? Do you simply come out with, "I like you. I want to see where things with us could lead, so I'm going to fly out to see you for a week"? What if this puts the other person off? Or maybe it's best you know from the outset whether you both are on the same page. Should it be the man or the woman who brings up the subject? Does it matter?
I am afraid that I am not one for long-distance romances. Mind you, I was open to it early last year for a brief moment. Having spent time on holiday with a lovely man (just as friends), I returned home to realise that I had feelings for him. Pondering on the week we'd spent together, I thought that it was more than possible that he felt the same about me. I was unsure about what to do, but in the end, I decided to come clean, so to speak. I did it the cowardly way - via email - as I could not bring myself to say the words out loud. He remained in contact with me, but never mentioned that email. I took that as his gentle way of saying he wasn't interested, and left it at that. I was slightly embarrassed, but relieved that I would never look back and wonder "what if?"
Need space
I don't think that having your 'date' living two streets away means life is easy on this front! Many of us need space, and after spending the initial intense period at the start of a romantic liaison, more often than not, there's a lull. You might sit by the phone waiting for the guy to call and, for all you know, he's doing the same thing. You wind yourself up into a tight knot because you don't know what the deal is. You don't want to come across too eager, which might put him off. However, you're too old to be playing games. Believe it or not, we ladies are not alone with these thoughts.
The best thing to do, I guess, is to remain faithful to your senses while practising a little patience. Letting the dust (in this instance I mean good dust) settle is the most sensible action, but don't ignore what your heart and soul are telling you. If it becomes too difficult and stressful, then perhaps walking away is the next step.
angelaphilippsja@hotmail.com
Readers respond...
How I moved onDear Angela,
First, let me congratulate you for the excellent pieces that you continue to grace us with each week. I look forward to these, as quite often, they are issues that I, or someone close, have experienced. It's also interesting reading the responses, especially if a few feathers had been ruffled.
Following up on the article of June 15, 'How to get over your ex', and the response from the woman on June 22, I felt as though this woman was actually writing from my personal experiences.
Let me share ... I decided to get together with a friend of 12 years, as this was someone I had known for a long time, we were quite close, he had never made any secret of how he felt about me and, in all honesty, I also had feelings for him. At first, it was all bliss and I had to keep pinching myself as I just couldn't come to grips with the fact that this was all real and happening to me. I had previously sworn off men because of the many unpleasant experiences.
Reccurring issues
All was going well and we decided that we weren't kids and would get married to further seal the deal. But then we started having recurring issues of time-keeping on his part. One would think that this shouldn't be a big problem, but it was.
However, the straw that broke the camel's back came after he didn't show up or call, despite making plans with me one evening. All I got was a text message the next day to say that he couldn't make it. In my annoyance, not only did I tell him off, but I also made it clear that such behaviour would not be tolerated.
My efforts to contact him for a couple of days proved to be futile, as he was neither responding to phone calls nor text messages. Then suddenly, one day, I got a message "good morning, how are you?" I didn't respond as I was feeling undervalued because he hadn't called. This texting of the same message went on for nearly two weeks and I remained firm that I would not be responding until he did the right thing.
After two weeks, I realised that this approach was not working and two wrongs doesn't make one right, so I tried calling in a bid to straighten out the problems, or at its worst, get closure in the event that he had decided to move on.
Eventually, through a family member, I learnt, among other things, that he found my attitude aggressive due to the fact that I hadn't responded to any of his attempts to communicate with me. I also learnt that the day he stopped texting was the day he decided the relationship was over.
Hurt, stunned
I was not only hurt but stunned. My relationship had gone and my friendship of 12 years was also lost. It was at this point that I cried out to God for help and healing. It dawned on me that the only way to get past this was to forgive him and let it go. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I sat down wrote him an email, in which I apologised for the areas where I had gone wrong, explained the things which were obvious misunderstandings, told him that all was forgiven on my path and hoped that he, too, could forgive me if I have wronged him, and finally, wished him the best. It was then and only then that I felt free.
I can't say it has been easy but I get better each day with God's grace.
sherlowe2@yahoo.com
My 'Mr Good Enough'Dear Angela,
I am very grateful for the article you wrote in the Outlook entitled 'Mr Good Enough'. I was contemplating a similar situation that I was in. You see, for the last three years, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man: kind, sweet, good-looking, very progressive, with a high level of consciousness.
However, since lately, I am very bored with the routine sex. I indicated my concerns to him, but he seems to think that I am just being needy. I have even been thinking about 'looking elsewhere'.
However, after reading your article, I have concluded that I am very lucky to have him, and that I should stop the whining and start looking at the bigger picture. That bigger picture is that he will be a loving father and a wonderful husband, who will provide for his family.
Second, I did not consider that other couples may have similar experiences where the bedroom has become a little dull. Therefore, having this awareness, I will approach the situation with a more open mind: that these things are inevitable. Thank you.
Syreeta
