Sidney McGill
OUR POST-MODERN Western culture continues to place its faith in the notion of romantic love as the basis for permanent happiness. The rest of the world, however, fears it or finds it irrelevant to life and social preservation.
Since Emancipation, Jamaicans, dislocated from their ancestral African family heritage, failed to practise Westernised nuclear family life though in theory it is accepted. Sexual passion runs wild with little cultural/moral boundaries to tame it or give it greater meaning beyond the here-and-now pleasures.
Western culture's view on love and sex is fiercely individualistic but Jamaica needs the galvanised strength and unity of families and communities to prosper in this post-modern 'world village'. There really is no turning back, in the near future, from our civilisation's myopic view of romance. So, let's break down romantic love into its main motivations - love and lust - and see how we can make our romantic endeavours more authentic, fulfilling and an act of community building.
SICK OF LOVE
"I cannot live without you" is the complaint of some infatuated lovers. Falling in love, therefore, could be a form of mental illness. It is an acute malady that gets worse when one is fed by sweet talk, gifts and passionate sex. But biochemists say "this feverish stage of love typically burns out after a few years, perhaps [because] the brain can't maintain the intense neural activity of infatuation," says National Geographic writer, Lauren Slater.
In February's issue of the National Geographic magazine, Slater summarises work done by noted scientists who have researched the biochemical reactions that take place when one falls in love. She states that persons who are "in love (or suffering from) obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) could have similar chemical profile". Their serotonin levels (a hormone which in excess causes depression) were 40 per cent lower than normal subjects. Increased dopamine levels (a hormone which gives a feeling of elation) are sometimes the result of romantic love. This hormone is responsible for stimulating feelings of attraction and the pursuit of the object of one's love. The emotional roller coaster that falling in love brings is usually the beginning of a relationship that may or may not become stable or committed for the long term. No wonder some cultures do not depend on romantic love to form permanent heterosexual unions.
TRANSITIONING LUST TO MATURE LOVE
There is a very thin line between love and lust; both states are spontaneous self-expressions emanating from the lover's sexuality that may operate together, move from one state to the next or remain the same throughout.
The lustful part of falling in love is the legitimate self-interest and self-fulfilment that sexual expression is meant to satisfy. Lust therefore can be seen as a wholesome self-interest that is a part of authentic human sexuality. But it is expected that the lust will develop beyond self-interest into the altruistic giving of self to the other.
Love then is the giving of one's emotional, spiritual, physical and economic self for the benefit of the object of one's love and the relationship. Over time, mature love develops through increasing self-sacrifice, commitment and trust. It is able to withstand increased serotonin levels and the bulges and wrinkles that come with ageing. Mature love is faithful, facilitating the development of a stable relationship by providing a sense of security and permanence which is probably enhanced by the calming effect of oxytocin (a hormone).
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
