Sidney McGill
EVERY MAN wants his life to mean something or else he spends much of it trying to forget his failure through drugs, sex, gambling, work, sports and friends.
If his self-esteem has been protected and enhanced during childhood, he easily incorporates a definition of the ideal manhood, mostly influenced by the men in his family of origin. Most Jamaican young men, however, have deficient views of who they are, why they are here, where they are going and, most importantly, what they are to become. Worst than the HIV epidemic is the endemic derailment of the Jamaican masculinity.
IDENTITY WOUNDS
A derailed masculinity comes in men who nurse identity wounds, but still have the ability to sexually satisfy women most of the time. The Jamaican man was formerly nursed by a woman who adored him and gave him freedom with little responsibility. To control his need for excess play and discovery, she insults him (a mother may break a boy's spirit and, yet, remain his hero).
The prominent feature of the manhood 'dis-ease' is a chronic sense of hopelessness and purposelessness, and an obsession with the penis. Naturally, sexual activities become the primary focus, because of their rewards bolstered self-esteem, female companionships, children born outside a committed relationship and a 'legitimate' place in the pecking order of men in his community.
A derailed masculinity, therefore, is a man misdirected with no dream of making a worthwhile contribution in building an idealised community. For him, sexuality has no real long-term constructive purpose, except hope of immortality through his children. His focus is directed to the last vestige of power and hope he has left, his penis, which must function effectively at all cost, for his existence depends on it. If his derailed identity plunders into the ditch, then his penis becomes a weapon to subdue vulnerable or inexperienced women.
If he is to be led back on track, he must be encouraged to look away from a penis with its potential to create pleasure, bonding and offspring towards a God who made all body parts and who provides all the answers to life's perplexing questions. This is where his life's purpose lies. As he begins to find his place in the world, with the aid of renewed spiritual lenses, he experiences a deep sense of fulfilment and meaning. He learns to accept self a difficult challenge for most.
Getting back on track means loosening the hold of a rigid masculinity that gets the cheers from other men. It might mean breaking away from the pack to find his true self a self capable of appreciation, sensitivity and intimacy values that, for too long, have been seen as feminine. He sees becoming a nurturing, caring father as nourishment for his children and a subversive means of correcting the violence in himself and in the land.
GETTING BACK ON TRACK
Like a recovering drug addict, he is always 'in progess', happy to have victory over his powerful sexual passions for one more day and humbled that here is one component in him that he must rule if he is to have control over his domain his family and home. Getting back on track is possible if seen in the light of the big picture. The picture is a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces that carry his talents, God-given purpose, and a healthy intimate relationship where he shares his purpose.
Going 'under the table' or 'backing one's fist' are not signs of getting back on track, but foolish ways of repositioning oneself among the community of men.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director of Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
