Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINKMARIA IS a beautiful woman who is always the life of the party. Despite her popularity, Maria has no one close to her that she can call a friend. Then there is Andy who, in spite of all his successes as a professional, at age 45 he has no friends. "I am lonely, I need a friend," he said.
We all need someone to lean on. Friendship does not just happen, in order to have friends we must be a good friend. Are you in need of a friend and not able to find one? Do you have difficulty keeping friends? Do you find you are constantly being used? Here are some tips in becoming a good friend.
A GOOD FRIEND
Love yourself. Good friendship starts with loving yourself. This is not about being selfish but about accepting yourself for whom you are and striving everyday to be a better individual. When we love ourselves it easier for people to love us.
Know your needs. This sometimes is difficult but it often helps. Is it companionship? Is it intimacy? Is it status? Is it someone on whom you can call? Many times we are unclear about the nature of a friendship and this complicates things.
Invest in a friendship. Don't take your friends for granted. Nurture your friendship. Know the other person's needs and desires and attend to them. Keep in touch - send cards, emails or telephone. Remember birthdays, anniversaries and difficult periods in your friend's life. The quickest way to end a friendship is to neglect it.
Be loyal and trustworthy. These are important. A good friend is one in whom we can confide. When trust is violated a friendship is damaged.
Be flexible. The best friendships are the ones that are flexible and not too demanding.
Sharing is important. Don't expect your friend to be the one calling, inviting you out or worse yet to be paying the bill all the time. Good friends share.
Listen more. The best friends are those who find time to listen, are understanding and supportive. Don't be always offering advice and avoid being judgemental.
Respect your friend. You don't always have to see eye to eye to be friends. We are all different from each other, with different opinions, different taste and different views. Good friends learn to accept each other and learn to tolerate each other's differences.
Support and praise your friends. Do not focus on the faults and imperfections.
Share in each other's success. We all experience successes and failures at some point in our lives. Don't gloat over your friend's failure; find time to share in your friend's success.
Communicate your feelings honestly.
Here are some examples in communicating difficult things:
A friend who always expects you to call. To communicate this say "I am very disappointed that I am the one who is expected to call."
Your friend is always criticising others "I am very uncomfortable with the criticisms of others."
A friend who never wants to foot the bill "I would really appreciate if we could share the bill next time."
Set limits. In order to build friendship, we have to set limits. Do not expect people to read our minds. You say to a friend "You may stay with me but only for two weeks. I expect you to prepare meals and clean your room." "I can not lend more than this and I expect to be repaid within a month."
Avoid toxic friends the users, betrayers, control freaks, those who gossip, the self-centered person and those who are constantly judging.
We all need somebody to lean on. We have to work at friendship. Practise these tips and foster healthy, honest, caring, supportive friendships. Share this article with a friend today.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
