Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101 Readers' feedback
Dear Dr. McGill,
COULD YOU repeat or print new articles on how can females boost low sex drive? secondly, where can I go to get sex enhancement products to buy? If this is not possible, perhaps you could have one of your health specialist who specialise in this area respond to me directly. I am 40 years old and have never really had any great yearning for sex, nor do I enjoy it. I recently met someone that I care about and would like to try and change this aspect of my life, hence my request.Thank you in advance.
THERAPIST'S RESPONSE
In high school, my friends and I whispered about the very attractive Spanish teacher who wore mini skirts and almost see-through blouses. Our desires and imagination ran wild while our moral boundaries made an almost fruitless attempt to install checks and balances. Such is the desire of a male student in an all-boy school. Recently, I counselled a girl who confessed her attraction for a good-looking female teacher. She struggled with the thought that she could be homosexual, but such too is the desire of many-a-school girl in an all-girl high school.
As children, we were taught to confine and punish our helpless, pleasure-seeking selves to conform to what our parents felt was right. But we can over-control the desire by suppressing it until our sex impulse becomes dormant. If having a sexual desire is such a natural, imposing and unsatisfied craving for sex, why do so many people complain that they have so little? Modern scientists agree that sexual desire in men and women are about equal but many Jamaican women complain of having a low sexual desire. Could this be a general indicator of poor relationships among Jamaicans?
WOMEN'S PROBLEM
The desire for sex varies among women and the feelings for sex ebbs and flows depending on the woman's mood, menstrual cycle and general health. If a woman feels no sexual desire and finds no pleasure in sexual intercourse then she could be diagnosed as having a hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). The main feature of HSDD is little or no sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. Low sexual desire is often associated with problems of sexual arousal or with difficulty reaching orgasms.
A variety of illnesses that cause pain and weakness can be responsible. Problems with body image or concerns about survival are also problems. Depression too is often associated with low sexual desire. Persistent relational conflicts, which involve prolonged anger and bitterness in a committed relationship are also contributors. Some women may find that they have homosexual fantasies but little or no heterosexual feelings due to unresolved conflicts with men from childhood or as adults. The problem gets worse when your sexual partner always wants more sex than you do.
SOME RECOMMENDATIONS
1. Are you generally satisfied with the level of communication and problem-solving skills you share in your relationship? Do you feel respected in the relationship? If your answer is no, then you could be suffering from depression that, if treated, could solve your HSDD. You should also see a counsellor to help you resolve most of your problems with the relationship.
2. If your HSDD is because of problems with sexual arousal or with difficulty reaching orgasm you should consult your gynaecologist. There are medications available that can increase your libido. Ask about them. Viagra is being used more and more to help women with arousal problems.
3. If the frequency of sexual intercourse for you is two to three times per week but your partner thinks that five to seven times is better, you both must reach a compromise. It is OK for him to learn to masturbate as a supplement to sexual intercourse.
4. See a sex therapist that will help you identify the psychogenic component of your low sexual desire or orgasmic problems. The therapist will train you in sensate focusing exercises (that will help you to focus on the sensation you receive while stimulating your genitals). Sex enhancers such as vibrators and dildos can help.
A healthy sexuality is an important part of your identity and necessary for wholesome, fun-filled relationships, so work at obsessing only on what is right in your relationships.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann.
