DR. PAULINE Mullings, consultant Family counsellor, states that many people never want to see each other again after a painful divorce. However, where children are involved, in most cases a direct contact is needed.
There are some people who are able to deal amicably with each other, for the sake of the children. They will still go out as a family even though mother and father no longer live in the same house. On Mother's Day, some men will also take out their ex-wives along with the children.
However, for most individuals, relating to each other after a break-up is far from easy and becomes a minefield of bitterness and emotional trauma.
Dr. Mullings explores a number of problems and looks at ways to address these:
1. Sex, after separation
In some cases there are sexual relations even after divorce. In many cases, it happens to women who are Christians and who do not believe in remarriage. They give in because they believe that they have to get their sexual satisfaction somewhere.
"I usually advise that sex between partners who are separated or divorced should not be pursued. He is just using you for sexual satisfaction and nothing else. You know that in a few hours he will be in someone else's bedroom. Stay away. Intimacy outside of a committed relationship is deeply emotionally disturbing and will leave you feeling cheap, misused and abused," says Dr. Mullings.
2. Coping with anger and hostility
You realise that you have become bitter and resentful. One of the ways to deal with this is to look back at the issues that led to separation and divorce and ask, where did I go wrong? The process of questioning helps to reduce anger as you realise that you may have contributed to the end of the relationship.
3. Achieving forgiveness
Be willing to forgive. If you cannot forgive, you cannot move on. Remember that you yourself have faults and that when you fail someone else forgives you. We also receive forgiveness as we forgive. Why should you remain stressed and upset when the other person has moved on happily? Forgiveness will allow you to do this and is also important for your mental and physical health.
4. Acceptance
Before you move on, you will also have to accept that the individual is no longer a part of your life. This may not be what you want, but acceptance enables you to make plans for the future. Accept that there will be no more breakfast in bed, or even on the table, if your wife used to cook for you on a regular basis. There will be no dinner when you come home. Make plans for new beginnings that include getting the everyday demands of living done.
5. Coping with jealousy
It is very natural to get jealous over an ex-spouse, or the individual who he or she is now seeing. You are looking at someone who is now the preferred person and wondering, what is it that he or she has that I don't? Any kind of jealousy is difficult to deal with. The fact that someone else has replaced you in the life of your ex does not mean that that individual is 'better' than you are. Look at yourself at all your potentials, your strengths and know within yourself that there are certain things which he or she is going to miss. He/she will never find 100 per cent perfection anywhere.
6. Avoid negative thought patterns and complaining
Some men slander their wives after they have parted, in the hope of making themselves appear blameless. Acceptance that the relationship is over, and accepting responsibility for the role you played in its failure will help. There is still room for respect, too. Even though you are divorced, some things should remain private between the two of you.
7. Planning ahead
Divorce does not happen overnight. Like marriage itself, there were things that led up to it and signs that you will notice. When you begin to see these signs, and if you realise that you cannot save your marriage, then begin to prepare mentally and physically for the break-up. Look at issues such as how you will get the house cleaned, the yard cut and sort out your banking. When divorce actually happens, it will be easier to deal with than if you denied the possibility to the very end.
- Outlook Team
