Tym Glaser, Associate Editor - Sport

NOW THAT our brave MPs have voted to keep capital punishment on the books, it's clearly time for the sporting community to come to the fore and do its bit to eradicate crime from the island as well.

I believe if we wind the clock way, way back, we can put the fun and sport back into legally killing people.

Hanging is boooooring; if you've seen one man dance at the end of a noose, you've seen 'em all.

No sir, I'm going Roman here and want to bring back the lions and tigers and other nasty beasties to 'nyam' our criminals at the National Stadium.

It's not like the Reggae Boyz are going to be spending any significant time at 'The Office' in the near future so, hey, we are killing two birds with one stone here, so to speak.

You don't think the stadium would sell out for the feature clash between three hungry lions and 10 gunmen? You crazy! Those tickets would go quicker than the Captain's buns at Easter and could there possibly be a better way to spend the day with the family? I don't think so.

Dad, mum and the two kids (admitted half price, of course) could nibble away at their popcorn while watching the preliminary bears versus rapists bout and then really tuck into the 'dogs' and hamburgers while the big kitties chase murderers over all the pitch (and you thought Bolt could run quick!)

Gladiatorial contest

Oh, it would be a riotous day of fun capped off with what else but a gladiatorial contest between two or more convicts.

Just imagine, one man's standing, one's on his knees and Emperor Bruce rises from his green throne in the grandstand and gives the famous 'thumbs down' gesture with all the deliberateness of a cricket umpire signalling a dismissal. The crowd would go berserk.

Of course, there should be an interactive portion of the day as well where we could have a little stoning or two and that's always a fun event because you just never know who's going to cast the first one.

The entertainment doesn't have to be limited to the stadium either; there's a perfectly good pool next door, why not toss in a few hippopotami and see how quick the paedophile can swim with those ornery beasts.

I tell you, this is the perfect way to wash away those silly issues like detection and rehabilitation and our model is so much better than the Romans' because they killed, by and large, Christians while we would be ridding the world of people probably guilty of committing crimes.

A great deterrent

My greatest fear though is that this stadium extravaganza is going to be such a great deterrent to all the bad people in the island that crime will dry up and eventually we won't have any more feline fodder.

That would be a real shame and we would have to go back to watching boring old sports again.

For now though, I say let the games begin.

Later ...

Feedback: tym.glaser@gleanerjm.com.