D-Empress

During a recent gathering, some women lamented that disciplining their children today is a more difficult job than in their parents' day. Apparently, children then were much more 'compliant' and understood that whether it was the belt, slipper, switch or love stick, the punishment meted out was in their best interests and certainly not up for discussion.

Fast-forward to current day and we as mothers and our offspring have evolved to a space where we question whether our parents' tough-love approaches designed to keep the children on the straight and narrow are exactly that - too narrow? Have we lost our footing in a world where discipline is regulated by government authorities and the sharp end of child rearing has become a much-publicised human-rights issue?

Disciplinary methods

Sade, a London-based Nigerian sista, believes the disciplinary methods her parents used have stood her in good stead. As far as she is concerned, their early versions of time-out, where she was told to kneel in a corner, with her hands on head till her arms ached while she 'came to her senses', worked wonders. She emphatically assured us that such methods work equally well on her children today.

Some sistas agreed, some didn't. Were we, as children, really more compliant? Truth is, it's a new day! Three decades ago, both parents and children were insulated from new fangled child-rearing ideas and sometimes misappropriated rights driven by media pop culture.

Our parents and their parents shaped their cultures of discipline and child rearing on value systems informed by history.

Jamaican discipline

Nadia, a Jamaican 60-something mother of three, shed some light on issues of discipline back in the day. She recalled how she shudders when she thinks of the 'mistakes' raising her children in the United States of America in the '70s and '80s.

A gentle and sensitive soul, she had been brought up in a God-fearing, tough-love regime where hard work and stern discipline were the order of the day. The oldest of nine children, she remembers her father as playful but firm and her mother as the strict no-nonsense disciplinarian.

Nadia told of how the daily trek to fetch water before school may today look like child abuse, but she and her siblings enjoyed the responsibilities given to them at a tender age. They may have had less play time than children today, but they made the most of the time they had together and made fun out of the chores.

Much-feared belt

The much-feared belt reared its head often and, in hindsight, she agreed that the thought of the belt was probably worse than the few occasions when she actually felt the leather on her skin.

Such experiences, she says, have undoubtedly shaped her resilient yet temperate personality. Her husband, a Trinidadian, also came from a similar disciplinary regime. So, together, they had no qualms in following similar approaches in their child-rearing years.

Nadia describes her 'mistakes' as the dilemma she and husband faced as they wavered between the zero-tolerance approach they grew up with, and the experimental free expression of Montessori and others.

In reflection, she cautioned the mothers present the increasing need to clearly reframe approaches to discipline which do not annihilate our sense of being, or culture; while being courageous enough to slaughter holy cows if deemed necessary.

In distilling the task of parenting clearly, we seek to do what our parents also sought to do - to teach our children well.

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