Many individuals, well into adulthood, are still haunted by their childhood experiences. Here are some examples of adults still reliving their negative childhood experiences.

Terry, for example, was sexually abused by a family friend. She has never been able to trust anyone. She has a turbulent relationship with her mother. All of her relationships have ended badly.

Fiona's mother migrated to Canada when she was eight years old. Her father left her with her grandmother, who abused her. She was always told that she would never turn out to be anything good, as she was a worthless child. She has lived her life lacking in self-confidence. Today, she is a successful banker but she has never believed in herself.

John's mother died. His father remarried. His stepmother abused him emotionally and physically. He had to do all the work in the home. He was constantly told he was no good, as he was the darkest one in his family. He struggled through life but did well in high school. Today, he is the most successful of his siblings. He is resentful towards his father and his stepmother, as he is the one who has to provide for them now that they are old.

Anthony was never accepted by his father. In fact, all of his relatives would call him a 'jacket'. He grew up feeling unloved and rejected by his father. His mother sent him to live with his grandmother and she died before he started working. He was never able to ask his mother why she abandoned him. He has lived with these painful memories all his life.

Toxic secrets

In our society, many of us lived in families with toxic experiences and toxic secrets. Many of us have been able to push these painful childhood traumas and memories under the carpet but, every now and then, something triggers these painful memories, which leave us anxious and depressed.

Dealing with pain

If you are struggling with painful and traumatic childhood experiences, here are some tips to deal with them:

Accept that your childhood was painful and traumatic. Denial may help for a while but events and situations that remind you of your pain may trigger anger and resentment.

Settle the score. Did someone hurt you or caused you undue pain as a child? If yes, then you may feel the need to settle the score so that you can put closure to the matter and move on. Many people have been able to resolve their issues, but if you feel that you should settle the score then you should do so.

Create a journal. Some people find that by keeping a journal and recording their painful experiences, they are able to work them through. If you like writing, you may want to try keeping a journal.

Write a letter. You may find it difficult to confront the person, who did you wrong. Try writing them a letter, explaining to them how their actions made you feel.

Speak to the person. Speak to them on the telephone or face-to-face.

Focus on your feelings. Whatever you do, try to focus on your feelings. Express how the actions of the person affected your feelings. Try to think through your feelings, first, before you try to deal with the other party. Some situations, such as sexual abuse, leave people feeling violated and betrayed. Abandonment by parents leave some people feeling rejected. If you lived in a situation where you were constantly called names, you are probably left with feelings of resentment and humiliation. Try to identify your feelings and find a suitable strategy to communicate these feelings as suggested above.

Closure is important. We all have that need to express our feelings and to resolve them. This allows us to put closure to the painful event so that we can move on to live productive and healthy lives.

Dr Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Dept. Of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com