Renee Paisley, Contributor

The slip of paper felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds. Its crisp white edge ruffled against my moist fingers. The words seemed to jump and dance across the page. My hands had a slight tremor as I tried to read my exam results. My legs felt as though they would not stand my weight much longer. I thought back to the day when everything changed.

"Aisha, time to study!" Sasha's voice echoed throughout the house. I cowered inside the wardrobe. The musty smell of mothballs mixed with moldy clothes drifted up my nose but I was determined to stay hidden.

"Whey yuh deh girl?" asked Sasha. Her voice rose with each syllable as she banged doors behind her. I carefully crawled from my hiding place. I removed stringy cobweb from my hair while I kept a watchful eye on the door. My sister, Sasha, was the worst terrorist in the world. She never wanted me to do anything fun. I had much more important things to do than studying. I took up the game that I had been playing.

"A ketch yuh!" Sasha squealed in satisfaction as she grabbed my arm. The game flew from my hand as I tried to twist and turn out of her grasp. She must have doubled back when she heard the sounds from the game. Sasha's muscles seemed to be laced with steel so I stopped struggling and lay limp in her arms. She did not relax her grip and half dragged me to the living room.

anger

"Aisha, yuh exams ar' jus' a few months from now," said Sasha her voice hard with anger, "An I promis' Mom that I'd 'elp yuh pass."

At the mention of my mother, I felt my throat begin to tighten. The feelings of grief I had carefully stored since her death threatened to escape. I thought of how she had planned carefully for our future. But what was the point of doing anything now that she was gone?

"Nutten I do will bring 'er back," I murmured as I choked back my tears.

Sasha leaned forward and brought my face close to hers. Her eyes looked hard and shiny. I had never seen her cry. Not even when they were lowering Mom's body into the ground.

"If yuh wuk 'ard at school, we will live 'ow she wanted us to," she replied.

"It too late to try an' finish what Mom started," I insisted.

"Yuh afto try. But I tired fi force yuh to try," she said in defeat. Slowly she rose and went to turn off the whistling kettle.

Just listen to her going on and on about school, I thought angrily, she had dropped out of high school despite Mom's angry protests. So what if I became another high-school dropout? Sasha was stuck working at Mistress Downer's house as a household helper just as Mom had done before her. Perhaps I would join her too.

Mom had wanted things to be different for us. She had put aside money for our education. Her life's goal had been to see us make a mark on the world. She had always had a gleam in her eye whenever she spoke about how we were going to move to a safer neighbourhood and be able to hold up our heads high.

black-hearted men

I had almost believed that it was going to happen. Until her life was taken by the black-hearted men who prey on the weak. She would never be able to finish what she had started.

I thumbed half-heartedly through the books in front of me. The information in them seemed to swim before my eyes. There was no way I would be able to learn all of this in time for the exam. I felt surrounded by my doubts as I thought about all the reasons why I would fail. Then I heard a faintly drawn out sigh and a gasp as if someone were choking. I raced down the passage and saw Sasha. She was kneeling on the cracked kitchen floor. Her body was being racked with dry heaves. They seemed to send shock waves throughout her body as she clutched at her belly.

I took a step towards her. My legs were trembling with the fear of what I might find when I got nearer. I couldn't bear it if I lost Sasha too. Before I could reach her, she stood, straightened her dress and started mixing a cup of tea as if nothing had happened. Confused at first, I stood motionless, not sure of what I had seen.

suffering

I must have made a small sound because she looked up and saw me. Then I saw the tears that had streaked across her face and finally I understood.

She had been suffering too and she had been holding it in all this time. Her expression softened as she opened her arms to me. She did not say anything but when she let me go there was a new understanding between us.

The next few months before the exam had passed in a blur of work and late-night study sessions. The exams had come and gone so quickly. Finally, I could make sense of the words written on the results slip.

"Mommy, I pass," I whispered proudly as the tears slid down my cheeks. "My life will be different."