Mario James, Gleaner Writer

2008 Mercedes GL Class. Available at EuroStar Motors for J$12 million. - Photos by Mario James

OK. Let's say you are the erstwhile bank manager, specialist doctor, or grammy's winning producer; in your early 40s, and you've just hatched your last kid. You are a prolific little bugger, and having watched 'Eight is Enough' as a kid, you've filled the halls with the sound of the patter of little feet. Four 'schoolers' and one 'schooler'-to-be. Of course, the left side of your Clopay door two-bay garage is filled with the sumptuous shape, smell and look of new S-Class. Your pride and joy.

Well, you've earned it. What to do, though, when the four kids need to come home to the mansion after soccer practice, soca-sizing or jouvert? And have them melting all over your $20 million interior? That would be uncivil! And the kid posse that usually trails behind such a vehicle ... not to mention the ambitious teenaged horror of an eldest child who already knows the ins and outs of your prized possession. You know him tief it out a'ready, don't it? If you haven't even considered that situation, you are living in denial!

But you have a bank account most Third World countries can only obtain after tapping into their illicit drug market. So you are in the market for a people mover, a seven-seater, if you will. You could opt for a BMW X5, but they really don't come with seven seats, and they are as numerous as coat hangers. The Audi Q7s are not as numerous, but mere ministers and heads of state drive those - so passé. Then there is the Merc GL. The price alone demands exclusivity - at $12 million it is the most expensive and the largest SUV ever tested by Automotives - but it also is very, very thin on the ground. The very existence of this five-door living room-on-wheels begs the question: what does $12 million buy you?

status symbol

Well, for starters, it is a Mercedes; a brand that most people recognise as a status symbol; it has wow appeal like few other marques. Being seen in this particular Mercedes is like riding around with a sign tacked to the top saying 'I have $12 million in trunk.' And it is positively huge. Soccer moms driving this thing need to go on a refresher course on three point turns. Fender benders get real expensive on this one.

Aside from that, though, it has the de rigueur DVD screens in the headrest, eight-speaker harmon kardon audio system with six-CD changer, cruise and steering wheel controls. It has a rear climate control system that is separate from the front, seat and mirror position memory for three drivers, push button start and keyless entry. The 'vehicular operating system' is called COMAND, and while it has no central knob, it is intuitive and easy to use (most, if not all, of the screens are available from the steering buttons).

But it is the features that you can't see that make the GL so special. And one that is very visible, but one that I haven't seen anywhere else. At the touch of a button, the third row seats make like David Copperfield and disappear. Like a mechanised version of the Nutcracker, the rearmost seats flip and fold, transform and deform until the seat squabs lie flush with the rest of the trunk. And the same button makes them pop up again, and it is pure poetry to watch. Kids will fight over who gets to use this gimmick. I know I would!

It would seem as if Mercedes has decided that anything that takes the driver's attention from the steering wheel is not a good thing (it isn't). The indicator, for example; flick the stalk to the detent, but not the click, and release - the directional arrow will blink for five seconds before it turns off - suitable for lane changing and such. Once it rains, the GL senses the wet conditions and turns on the wipers without any prompting. Engage reverse and begin to move, and then and only then will the rear wiper oscillate, if the stalk control is not activated.

The Xenon headlights illuminate a swath that is angled down and to the front of the driver, which eliminates blinding the oncoming driver. They also dip automatically when the car senses oncoming traffic, and these lights are really, really high def! Then there are the mirrors inside (rear-view) and outside (wing) the car; they automatically darken when certain conditions exist (ambient darkness and a light shining directly on to them) and subtly shift angles, resulting in an anti-glare mode that is welcome to drivers with tired eyes.

Which cruise control that can be set to seven miles an hour? Unbelievable ... And set digitally, too!

GL's engine as tested displaced 3.2 litres, and produced 215 hp. It is a turbo-diesel, however, and all that compression manifests itself in an unholy torque figure of 398 lb/ft!

V6 configuration gives great smoothness and better than 25 mpg economy. The bent six is mated to a seven-speed automatic tranny, with a manual mode. The shift by wire column shifter is good for park, reverse and drive; low range is a button on the centre console. To engage park, one presses a button.

The big Benz's four-wheel drive system is called 4Matic, and like the system installed in the M-Class, it can route 90 per cent of torque to any one wheel. Off road, it has the guts to run with the big boys from Jeep, Range Rover, and BMW. But none of the aforementioned yuppie-mobiles has the poise of this thing in the dirt, 'cause GL is suspended on air.

Four airbags surround ride selectable magnetic dampers at all four corners, and the entire body can be raised six inches for wheelin' in worrisome territory. But some of the vehicle's ultimate off-road capabilities are lost due to weight. The M-Class is better here, not that the G will get stuck, far from it. But where the M will stop, the G won't - because of the increased mass - and because of that it is not as confidence-inspiring in the rough. But the air suspension really smooths out the irregularities.

sensual overload

The interior borders on sensual overload. The dash is swoopy without being garish, and the controls are where they should be. There is a sunroof front and rear, and the sun through them shows off the wood accents, giving the interior that warm, comfy glow. Even with the sunroof curtains closed, this happens, courtesy of slots in the curtains.

One cannot be seen slamming the tailgate of a Mercedes! That is so ... plebeian. Lower the tailgate until it clicks, and listen for the soft whirrs and clicks of machinery in motion as the servo motors grab and pull the gate home. And for doctors who need that fast getaway, and MPs being 'shandied' by irate constituents, moving off takes four seconds under adverse conditions.

The key need not leave your pocket! Reach for the handle - sensors have already located the diminutive key fob on your person - the car automatically unlocks itself - get in, put foot on brake, press a big silver button to the right of the steering wheel once and release it like it is hot. Engine starts and you are away. Magical.

stand out

Once again, though, it is the little details that make a Mercedes stand out.

The front seats are grooved in the back so that tall people have more knee clearance. The front visors are split so that the front passengers can be shielded from rays through the windshield and the door window.

And there is the precision of the thing. Set digitally, the cruise control monitors and mirrors its set speed on the analog speedo, right? Nothing special there ... but when the clock is scrutinised, the graduations on the dial are needle width, and if the selected speed corresponds to a hash mark, that's where the needle is. Not a micron above or below, dead on. It is a small thing, but if those who made it took the time to get this right, what does that say about the rest of the vehicle?

If you want the best, here it is.