Taniesha Burke, Contributor

Many of our children are suffering silently because they are unable to communicate with their parents.

This lack of communication with adults may lead to many repercussions, such as a low self-worth, depression and loneliness. To avoid such repercussions we, as adults, must strive to actively listen and communicate with our children, no matter their age.

Active listening is "a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding". The listener is not distracted by listening, doing or thinking of something else.

The following are some guidelines which can be used to build and improve communication and, inevitably, a relationship between an adult and child.

Pay attention to the child - the adult should put aside all distracting activities and look directly at the child. If you cannot give the child your full attention, say so. When the child has your full attention tell him/her.

Be simple when communicating with children. Use simple language and short explanations.

Be aware of your body language and facial expressions. These non-verbal cues will express your interest or lack of interest. Children are sensitive to adults' emotions and body language. If they suspect you are not interested in what they are saying it will be difficult for them to freely express themselves.

Listen with your feelings and eyes. Adults need to be sensitive to when a child is attempting to communicate.

Be observant of your moods and strive to maintain a positive attitude, even in negative situations. In allowing too much of your emotions to show, a child may feel less free to talk.

Provide feedback. This is done through rephrasing what the child is saying (paraphrasing) both in content and feelings, without adding your own interpretation. Once you have paraphrased, ask the child if that is what he/she is saying. Also, ask questions to clarify what the child is communicating.

Become aware of your posture and tone of voice. Both should be inviting. For example, folding your arms as the child speaks is a sign of being defensive, and a loud voice may indicate anger and disdain.

Talk to the child respectfully, as you would another adult.

In communicating with a child, never name call, that is, calling the child, for example, a bad boy or worthless girl. This is damaging to the child's self-esteem and indicates that name calling is an acceptable behaviour.

In communicating with the child, express your feelings as it relates to the situation. For example, "I feel angry when you refuse to do your homework." This teaches the child to recognise feelings and talk about them, rather than naming calling or other forms of socially unacceptable behaviours.

Be non-judgemental of the child's expression of his/her feelings.

Talk about feelings. For example, "You look sad. Is there something wrong?"

Never use guilt tactics. For example, "You will feel the brunt of it when Daddy comes home." This instils fear and limits children's sense of being free to express themselves.

Children are not machines. They are human beings with feelings and emotions that need to be heard. Parents - listen and communicate with your children on a regular basis, not just when there is a conflict. It contributes tremendously to their self-worth and could possibly save their lives. Remember that good communication takes time and lots of effort, so be patient and continuously work to improve it.

Sources

www.brightfuture.org/mentalhealth/php/families/ec/communicating.pdf

www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/activel.htm

Taniesha Burke, M.Sc. Applied Psychology, is the CEO of Preston Childcare Services. She can be reached for comments and questions at www.prestonchildcare.com or via email at taniesha.burke@prestonchildcare.com.