Jennifer Keane-Dawes, Gleaner Writer

KEANE-DAWES

Me dear mam,

yu see dis ting weh name qualification? Is a dickens of a ting. An hear wah mek. Because a nuh every man weh claim seh dem qualify really qualify fe do weh yu need dem fe do. Case in point. De adda day me hear bout dis fareign yardie man weh out eena de sun hot whole day a work a dis place. An suh, instead a drink water, every time him thirsty inna de bringle sun hot, me hear seh is a beer him ask fa. Well, turn out dat after him kin ova like cockroach a evrybaddy foot. Wid him yeye glass tun crassway pon him jaw bone. A dat deh time dem a go realise seh de sun, de dehydration, plus de colic-pon-top-a-baddy-cum-dung did about fe kill him. Suh frighten one man him frighten when dem realize seh ole massa naw blow, him fly right een a de neighbor house an holler out fe de dactah weh him hear seh lib een deh. Well dactah come out. Minus de stitchyscope, an mek dem know seh him a neva dactah. Is a degree him hab name PhD.

Evrybaddy tun fool

Suh me cyan begin fe tell yu how, while yardie still liddung a dutty. An evrybaddy tun fool. De heap a weh-de-neck-back-dis-ya-cow-tongue-dumplin-man-a-pose-lacka-dactah fah? An naw nuh use? Not fe mention de heap a Cho! A people like dem deh mek sinner man sin demself an cyan get redemption. For a man like dat is nutten but a blinkin false witness.

Well me dear mam, after me hear how dem manage fe revive yardie an carry him een, me memba to meself how me meself, when me did dis get me PhD. An fly wid me excited self go tell me madda how dat mean people call me "dactah." Me dear, as me did tell yu one long time. She continue a strip de chicken foot fe mek de soup. An she listen to me keenly widout saying a word. An when me done talk dis an talk dat bout weh de degree mean fram weh it nuh mean. All she seh was:

"Suh tell me something Jen. Saying dis an saying dat. Yu can gi injection?"

Me: (shet up pam. For all weh me dis done seh neva mean nutten.) Finally me gi out: "No mama."

Kiss har teet

She: "Awo! Well yaw nuh real dactah den? Me tink yu did a good good dactah man." An she kiss har teet little. "Dat mean me still haffi gwone out a dactah Gordon same way." An she proceed fe roll de flour between har two han miggle. An drap de dumpling inna de pot one by one. For she done come to one conclusion.

Well, missis, a nuff nuff year now since me get de PhD an me can bayly string needle. Especially when de yeye lilly. Much less gi injection.

Suh me dear mam, a said way nuff a we claim seh we qualify. But we fe know weh we qualify fa an nuh fool an rip off John Public. Like some smady weh claim seh dem qualify as hair dresser an bun out de whole a yu head miggle wid de crime. Or de man weh claim seh him qualify as mechanic. But de more yu pay him fe work pon yu vehicle. A de more it bruck dung. Not fe mention de tailor weh claim seh him qualify. But cut Brown Man trousis fe fit him like two pillah case. Or de ooman weh claim she mek de bess wedden cake, but tun up a de wedden yard wid a helleba mountain top bulla pon top a bulla well icing. Suh if we seh we qualify fe do anything. Like even day's work. Try nuh seam dung de man tousis like accordion pleated skirt.

Dr Jennifer Keane-Dawes is a professor of communication at Elizabeth City State University, a constituent institution of the University of North Carolina System. Send your email to: jkd876@yahoo.com.