BE WELL - Eulalee Thompson

With impeccable manners, Eric ushered me into Mensana's office (the support group for families living with mental illness) and pointed to a spot on the large sofa where I could sit comfortably. He collected a small pile of paper from a nearby wooden table and sat at the other end of the sofa, observing the respectable social space for strangers.

"Would you read me one of your poems?" I asked after learning that the small pile of paper was actually copies of poems he had written over time.

"Actually, I have never read my poems aloud. I am not comfortable reading them," he replied. Being a writer of several unpublished poems, myself, I completely understood Eric's reticence. I took his favourite one, 'Wounded Eagle' and read a part of it out loud.

Winged hunter

Circling on air

Where will you find

Your hunting ground

Are your eyes keener

Your talons sharper

Than the minimum

Demanded for survival

An eagle's spirit

A dove's strength

Nimrod disarmed

Imprisoned soul

The first 'breakdown'

"I wrote it many years ago, about five years ago at a moment of introspection, looking back and considering how strong I was as a young person and now being, well, not to use the word, emasculated, but looking at life in a different light and trying to achieve not by force of mind but spiritually," Eric said. "You are like an eagle circulating around. There are times when you are lost but searching for the empty to land. You need an anchor, something to hold on to."

Though he kept speaking in the second person, Eric was actually talking about himself and the life he has been living with schizophrenia, one of the psychotic disorders that involves a range of cognitive and emotional dysfunctions. He was 25 years old when he had his first episode or 'breakdown'.

"You are not totally aware of what's happening and, even to the extent that you are aware, you are powerless to do anything about it," he said as he described the 'breakdown'.

The beginning

Before that first 'breakdown' he knew that something was happening to him but couldn't put his finger on it. He remembers not being able to sleep well. He would go to bed but just wouldn't fall asleep.

"That was the beginning. It was a vicious cycle where you lose sleep, the condition gets worse, then there is the stress of working and then comes a day when you can't go on and you had to leave the job," he explained.

He recovered, perhaps never fully, and maintains 'normal' living with the support of anti-psychotic medication and counselling but, there's no cure for schizophrenia and he has had other 'breakdowns'. He described the course of those episodes as if living in a cloud, being half aware of his surroundings and knowing that he is not living his full potential. Decision making is difficult during those times and he feels as if he is turning around in circles rather than making progress towards a defined goal.

The stigma

Eric asked me not to use his surname, as he is aware of the lingering stigma surrounding the mental disorder and he was concerned, not so much for himself, but for the impact that his 'coming out' would have on his two young children.

Eric thinks that he was lucky to have had his first 'breakdown' so late in life. This meant that he had a chance to complete his professional studies and had started a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He has worked in the bauxite industry, with the power and light company, the ministry of works and several other places but, because of his mental illness, he was never able to stick it out.

"Schizophrenia interrupts the regular life functions of patients. It truncates your plans, dreams, goals, relationships, religions, careers. In my personal life, you train as an engineer, put in a couple of years, put in plans for a career but all of that is lost suddenly. It's a big blow and somehow you know that you won't recover," he's turning head away from me and shifting his body to the edge of the sofa.

I asked Eric about the impact of the illness on his personal life. He told me that his marriage only lasted two years. He walked towards his desk and brought me a nicely framed photograph, not of his ex-wife, but of his two smiling children. He told me that he still gets to see them on some weekends.

The support group

But it's not all gloom and doom for Eric. Now, at age 51, he says that he can "look back with grace" to accept his illness. He no longer functions in his chosen profession as a mechanical engineer but he assists in the management of Mensana. At the regular support group meetings, every second Saturday of the month, he uses his own experiences to encourage others living with mental illness to step forward confidently.

"You lower your goal but they are no less important. Some kind of cognitive restructuring goes on. You reframe your experience, you have to cope and manage your life," he said.

Identifying new purpose in life since his last 'breakdown' about a year ago, Eric says he is no longer the eagle circling to find the perfect landing. According to him, he has found his anchor in baptism, the Bible and religion.

"That is my anchor. So, you can say that the eagle has landed," he said smiling from ear to ear.

eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com