Paul Messam, Contributor

Do you have skills of negotiation? Do you have the ability to communicate and settle differences? Could your marriage or relationship do with a little excitement?

"If I could make every marriage work, I would be extremely happy," says Omar Thomas, a St Andrew- based counsellor. "Additionally, if I could give one present to every married couple, it would be, simply, the beautiful art of negotiation."

He believes that just as how we employ great skills when driving a car and negotiating a corner, approaching a slippery roadway, pedestrian crossing, or a railway track, couples have to utilise skills of negotiation to enhance their relationships.

"Negotiation is communication of a special kind," says Thomas. "Each of us is different and has different challenges. Partner A has rights and feelings, so does partner B. Partner B may not agree with A, nor A with B. Why not negotiate those difference and arrive at a workable agreement?" He reminds us, though, that years ago, negotiation in a marriage or a relationship was unheard of, because many husbands made the far-reaching decisions and wives simply accepted them.

constant travel

He created this scenario: Mr A's job with an IT company required constant travel, while Mrs A was bogged down with housework and the three children. She worried a lot if he was late and imagined him taking up with other women.

"Sadly, her troubles and his failure to acknowledge them were affecting the marriage left, right and centre," the counsellor points out.

Scenario continues: "It's just not fair!" Mrs A said many times during her visit to the counsellor. "My husband always thinks of himself. He never thinks of me!" Mr A responded, "See what I have to put up with, over 11 years on my back and down my tired throat?"

Thomas said that marriages can emerge stronger, as long as the husband and wife humbly recognise that they must treat each other as equals. "And so, negotiating your way to a new and improved relationship means that marriage is always a beginning, where two sober, sweet persons need never to stop growing."

In a good marriage, he said, roles and tasks are shared. "The man can clean and cook; the woman can mend a tap and even work the lawnmower. Therefore, a continuous compromise on both sides will help to empower the marriage to work well," said Omar Thomas.

If you are a newly-wed, or a seasoned married couple, grappling with familiar marriage problems like sexual intercourse, cash, the prized children - negotiation is a good way to go and grow. However, according to Thomas, couples must travel certain routes for it to work. He sets them out as:

ROUTE 1:

Ensure that you want your marriage to work. This is key.

ROUTE 2:

Put yourself in the partner's shoe. Try to image what it is like to be him or her.

ROUTE 3:

Respect yourself and your spouse, regardless of differences. Deal with the here and now.

ROUTE 4:

Be willing to accept a workable compromise in the negotiation.

ROUTE 5:

Learn to listen and listen to learn. Couples must practise listening for a week. Listen with an open mind.

ROUTE 6:

Level with your partner. Own your own feelings and tackle one issue at a time at the right time and place.

ROUTE 7:

Negotiate as rational human beings. Each partner has something positive, worthwhile to contribute to the relationship.