( L - R ) Linton, Davidson

In this instalment from Dr Faith Linton and Dr Barry Davidson's soon-to-be-published book on parenting, they continue the exercise to help you look back at your childhood and try to assess your experience with your parents.

Pre-teens: Six-12 years

1.	Relationship

(a) My parents and my teachers praised me for being helpful and obedient.

(b) My grandmother was always quarrelling with me.

(c) My father didn't pay much attention to me.

(d) I think this was the happiest time of my life.

2.	Firmness

(a) I would hide from school and spend most of the day roaming the streets/bushes with friends.

(b) Every day I had duties in the home as well as my homework from school.

(c) My parents believed in punishment.

(d) My parents didn't want to spoil me or make me a 'sissy' so they stopped hugging and kissing me as I got older.

Teenage years

1.	Relationship

(a) I had a good relationship with my parents and siblings during adolescence.

(b) I had quite a few conflicts with my parents as a teenager.

(c) I didn't like myself at that stage, and my family and peers thought I was miserable and bad-tempered.

(d) I enjoyed my teenage years.

(e) I found my parents old-fashioned and embarrassing.

2.	Firmness

(a) My parents became strict and suspicious of me as soon as I turned 15.

(b) I realise now that my parents' restrictions were wise and for my good, but I wanted to have more freedom and independence at the time.

(c) I liked the way my parents would sit and discuss things with me, instead of just giving orders or screaming at me.

Discuss/ask yourself

Now that I have read all these statements (37 in all) and added some of my own, which ones would I want my children to make about their childhood?

Which ones would I choose to follow when raising my own child?

Which ones would I reject or avoid? Why?

Consequences

Nowadays, we know much more than parents ever did about the way certain practices and attitudes affect the developing child.

Take, for example, the two basic principles of relationship and firmness. These ideas or principles are not new. Parents throughout the ages have practised these principles. For example, the Bible makes many references to them. In Hosea 11, God describes Himself as a loving parent to Israel, His people. He says: "When Israel was a child, I loved him ... . I was the one who taught Israel to walk. I took my people up in my arms ... . I drew them to me with affection and love. I picked them up and held them to my cheek; I bent down to them and fed them." (GNB Hosea 11:1-4).

God's love

At the same time, God shows His love to His children by being firm with them when the need arises. In Hebrews 12, we read: "Pay attention when the Lord corrects you and do not be discouraged when he rebukes you. Because the Lord corrects everyone he loves and punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (GNB Heb 12: 5,6)

Modern studies highlight these principles of relationship and firmness by supplying more and more evidence of how important they are. Among other things, these studies demonstrate the conse-quences of neglecting these two principles and of practising one without the other.

We can sum up these con-sequences in the following way:

Firmness without relationship leads to rebellion.

Relationship plus firmness produces response.

Relationship without firmness results in a spoilt brat.

Next week: Learning to handle emotions.

POSITIVE Parenting

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