( L - R ) Davidson, Linton

This is our third instalment from the soon-to-be-published parenting book by Dr Faith Linton and Dr Barry Davidson.

"I am doing these things just the way my mother used to do them," says Jennifer.

(Chapter 1) When we become parents, we often find that our attitudes and methods of raising children are very similar to those of our parents. They have a profound influence on us.

However, not everything our parents or caregivers did was wise or right. It is good to take a careful look at the way we were raised and decide what examples we want to follow and what we want to change.

Here are two principles that can help us decide which examples are wise and helpful, and which are otherwise. These principles are (a) relationship and (b) firmness. They go together.

Practising one without the other is almost sure to lead to weakness or even failure. That is, we may fail as parents in our efforts to bring up children who will become strong in character, balanced and stable in personality, law-abiding and productive as citizens.

What do we mean by (a) relationship and (b) firmness?

Every child needs (a) love and affection as well as (b) attention, care and training.

(a) Relationship

When parents show love and affection to their child, a strong bond usually develops between parent and child. That is, they feel very close to each other, they learn to understand and know each other well, they have a deep sense of belonging to each other. Both parent and child want this bond to grow strong and to remain strong.

All this and more comes under the heading of relationship.

(b) Firmness

Firmness is actually one of the ways in which parents show love to their children. We train our children carefully because we love them and want the best for them. We give them care and attention for the same reason. We use the word firmness to describe a certain quality of care and training, the kind that is regular and consistent.

Firmness implies that the child is in strong, secure hands. It implies that parents/caregivers know what they are doing and where they are going (i.e. what they aim at achieving) as they train and care for the child.

When parents know what they are doing, the care and training they give is usually regular and consistent. In other words, every day, as much as possible, the child receives just what she needs at the right time and in the right way.

What was your experience as a child in terms of relationship with your parents and firmness in the way they trained and cared for you?

Next week: My parents and me.

POSITIVE Parenting