KELLY

Aah, wedding day has arrived. Pass the alka seltzer! You ever wonder why the groom sweats so much at his wedding? Because he's thinking to himself, am I really going to stick with one woman for the rest of my life? Forsaking all others? Oh boy! Or perhaps, he knows that despite giving his blessing, the father-in-law really doesn't like him and one slip at the altar would further convince the old boy he was right. Then, of course, there's the whole groom's reply thing which can turn any orator into a mumbling fool.

Women, on the other hand, need a handkerchief, too, but it's from all the crying (tears of joy, I suppose). She's the star of the show in that chic wedding dress. Remember, the song says, "Here comes the bride". Even if nobody remembers what the bridesmaids look like, they'll remember her for sure.

Terrified about ordeal

So bride and groom are usually terrified about the whole wedding day thing but for slightly different reasons. The groom is looking at the aisle like it's the last mile on his way to the gas chamber or to life imprisonment, while the bride is wondering if her cousins remembered to tie the ribbons unto the car or if the caterer has finished cooking the mannish water for the reception. This is more pressure than the pot preparing the oxtail.

Unlike women, men do not necessarily get grey hair from planning the wedding, unless the bride-to-be is always stressed about the most minute detail and drags her fiancé into worrying by association. But I've never heard of a prospective groom going, "Darn, I wanted off-white and they brought pearl white instead". Worse, I've never heard nor seen a grown man cry because the napkins weren't the design he selected from the wedding catalogue.

Grooms and planning

That kind of microscopic detail is usually handled by the woman, so even if the guy was going to get impatient, his fiancée has already done it for both of them. Furthermore, there are some who believe that the man should be worried about other things (like being a good husband and father), rather than if the bridesmaids showed up for their fitting. One groom told me that all the planning should be done by the women and all the guy should do is show up. That's one way of doing it, I guess, but if at least to pick the suits for the groomsmen, he should do something.

So to all prospective brides and grooms, before the planning gets too far ahead, do yourself a huge favour and elope. Trust me, you'll be better off! Later.

Go down the aisle with me at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com.

Talk about sweating buckets! Best-man Paul Whyte mops the brow of groom Fitzroy Riley at his wedding during the Jamaica Pegasus Wedding Extravaganza in March. - Rudolph Brown/Chief Photographer