Angela Philipps, Contributor
I believe it's safe to assume that most of us, if not all, have felt jealous at some point in life. And although one can be envious of things like another person's wealth or good fortune, I'm actually talking about the romance front in this case. It's not uncommon for a man to feel uncomfortable when another guy is chatting to his girlfriend. Of course, the same applies if the roles are reversed. A woman can become quite catty when her position is threatened! Don't be fooled by those who seem sensible and controlled though. They, too, might well be burning up within ... they just choose not to show it.
Having regrets
The following will be sure to ring a bell in a few ears: "My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for couple months. We were very good friends before, he was in a relationship for almost three years. When we started to communicate, they were on the verge of breaking up.
"They work at the same place but they are now just friends and I'm left feeling insecure now. I love him so dearly even though we argue so much recently. And I am left thinking that he regrets getting into a relationship with me so he makes a big deal out of everything. I am couple years younger than he is, I am 22 and he is 38.
"I remember one day I playfully threw a nut at him when he was driving and he thought I was very childish and got very upset. He is not a loving man and I love to be cuddled. I expect if I'm sleeping with my man, I should be wrapped tightly in his arm and I am not getting that, so we are always arguing. I need your advice."
Here you have a young lady who thinks that her boyfriend doesn't appreciate her playful ways because he is not into her like he used to be. She believes that he's not tactile with her because he's got someone else on his mind, or in his bed.
I suppose she could be right, but is she looking into things too deeply? Is she just being paranoid? Or is her fellow cheating on her with his ex? If you examine their history - she says they were friends before they moved into a 'relationship' - then shouldn't she trust him, and know that he wouldn't do this to her? I know that there are plenty of bad boys out there, but they aren't all like that. And to be honest, if you insist that your gut instincts are right, then get out.
The victim
I've had snippets of insecurities in the past, but I learned a long time ago that the only person this destroys is me. It's not worth expending energy on such a negative emotion. However, I have seen what jealousy can do to people.
It turns their world upside down, rips their insides out, and destroys lives ... literally. It affects one's work, friendships with others, hobbies, even eating habits, and one's attitude in general. Incredible that anyone would sign up for that! I know one doesn't actually apply for this like a job, but we each control our own minds. It might take a fair amount of willpower to overcome jealousy, but it must be done.
I can hear one or two voices saying, "Yeah, but if you let your guard down, you'll only get hurt by some ogre." Here's what I say to that ... how can having faith in someone be a bad thing? Surely, that ugly green monster is worse?
angelaphilippsja@hotmail.com
Single in the city mailbox
Life after a broken heart
I am a regular reader of your column but felt compelled to write in today, after I reading today's (June 15) column.
I, too, have had my heart broken, and was also at the point when I thought I would NEVER feel that strongly for any man again.
To this day, years later, I still do not know why I was dumped, and I spent a long time being angry with the young man.
But one day, it suddenly occurred to me that my anger was harming nobody but myself. It certainly wasn't troubling him! So that day I took a moment, prayed, let it go, and forgave him. I had to do it for my own well-being.
After that, I was able to look back and say that the break up really did happen for the best.
The meeting
I saw him years after I had this epiphany and he offered apologies for the way he had treated me. I was able to tell him that I had forgiven him years ago.
He has now married and migrated, and I recently got a call from him requesting me to come up and see him as, apparently, things were not working out with him as well as he had hoped.
I only laughed as I remembered times when I was in so much pain, running this man down, begging him to reconsider his decision, and now it has come full circle.
So my advice to your reader would be, as cliché as it may sound, give it time; it does heal all.
She also needs to look at her self-esteem issues, as this could partially explain why she is willing to settle for someone who clearly has no regards for her or her feelings. In the meantime, she needs to find ways to distract herself from thinking about him, and this would be an opportune time to involve herself in activities that would help her discover more about herself, what she likes, what could be improved, etc. And let us not forget or underestimate the power of prayer. All the best, to you and to her.
Regards,
- Shani J Daley, M.A. Psych
Good jobI really look forward each week for your contributions in the Outlook magazine. I must say, as interesting and entertaining as I find each of them, it never occurred to me before that I could drop you a line and let you know. But having read your recent piece on the male ego, I am compelled to do so today.
I don't take it all so seriously, as the person you quoted this past Sunday seems to do. Nor do I want you to believe that I devalue the things you say. I find them to be very educational as well. I am so sorry you have to put up with the insults and abuse like those which this university student seems to spew at you. Maybe it is because I left the university a very long time ago, but I thought you were simply reporting information you gleaned from the people who report them to you. Am I mistaken, Ms. Philipps?
I think you are doing a fantastic job. It helps me to know what the ladies could be thinking about me, so I am warned and can resolve to be a better man/date. For what it is worth, I want to say thank you, some of us are being helped, and do appreciate the service you offer. Please keep up the good work, and I am waiting for next week's contribution.
- Tony
