MOVIE TITLE: Barbie as the Island Princess

RATING: ★★

RUNNING TIME: 76 minutes

WHO'S IN IT: Barbie (in the all her doll-like likeness as the stranded Island Princess 'Ro'), her 'family' of peacock Azul, elephant Tika and red Panda Sagi, Prince Antonio, Princess Luciana and her scheming mother Rosella.

BONUS FEATURES: Barbie Island Karaoke Club, 'I Need To Know' music video.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: Azul the preener and the pondering (though not ponderous) panda Sagi discover Barbie's treasure chest (with clothes and accessories, you naughty people; it's a kid flick) on the beach of the purtiest deserted island you ever did see.

Then they discover her, in all her washed up but not quite dishevelled glory. Fast forward 10 years and she is walking down the beach on the still deserted island, the crew enlarged by Tika, and she is singing. It is the first of many songs and, as Barbie does a somersaulting dive off a waterfall, another well made up moment as her ponytail makes perfect arcs.

One question: where does Barbie find all that make-up she is wearing on a deserted island? Second question: how comes her hair and clothes are so neat? OK, so Prince Antonio lands ("I have to say it looks like me", she sings as she peeps through the bushes at him) and when he and the guy behind him are in danger of being eaten she dismisses crocodile Fang with some animal talk. "Who are you?" she asks. "Who are you!" he replies. With that oh so brilliant dialogue it is established that girl likes boy and boy likes girl.

So it is back to 'civiliasation' they sail, where reality hits in the form of a King and Queen who are determined that that their son get married and settle down (the father more than the mother) and "a prince must marry a princess".

Obviously, Ro ain't no princess, but Luciana, the chosen bride-to-be, is, and her mother Rosella is determined that the wedding take place. Princess Luciana sees how Prince Antonio looks at Ro, knows that is love, knows she does not love him, the plot thickens and quickens (predictably, predictably, predictably) with Rosella's 'sleeping animal' plot to discredit Ro.

There is a jailing and a breakout, Tika trumpets the protest at the 'speak now' moment of Luciana and Antonio's wedding, the plot is revealed, Rosella is chased by Ro and ends up in a pigsty ("anything but the pigs!") Ro turns out to be a princess (surprise, surprise!) as her mother, who was a guest at the wedding, rediscovers her long-lost daughter, the pair wed and sail off to (surprise, surprise) the island. Yawn ... Snore ... Boooooooring.

THE REEL LOW-DOWN: Barbie meets Tarzan meets Ken in a sailor suit meets Phantom, because just as he does not sweat in that purple suit her make-up does not crack. But then, she is a doll, right?

Movie courtesy of CariHome DVD.

- Mel Cooke