Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

Last week, we told the story of Felix's claim of mental abuse by his wife and how it eventually ended up in separation and pending divorce. He admitted to having made decisions which he now regrets. This week, he outlines some of his mistakes and gives some strong advice to men who are thinking of getting married or are recently married. Though each man's situation is different, what Felix has to say can be generally applied.

1. The first mistake the young, enthusiastic Felix made was to have only his wife's name on the title of the house they bought together, months before they got married.

Felix: "We, together, bought a separate house ... but that was also a little mistake I made then, because I was totally excited about this woman, and because of her job, her name only went on the title. Because we weren't married and we wanted a preferential mortgage rate, her name only went on the tittle."

The house is now at the centre of a legal dispute, which, from the look of things, is swinging in his favour. He said, "The law has changed. The Married Woman Property Act is a very good law because it protects men and women ... It protects me in this case because even though my name wasn't on the title it was our matrimonial home. I contributed to the home. As a result, I am due 50/50."

Advice: "Looking back in time now, I would have said, 'Wi not buying it until we married and my name only goes on the title.' "

2. Having believed that he was going to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after, he did not sign a prenuptial agreement.

Felix: "If you had a prenuptial agreement that says, 'When we decide to leave, everything is 50/50 or 60/40, etc, as soon as the relationship get sour, you just use the prenuptial and move on."

Advice: "Get a prenuptial agreement ... If you have a pre-nuptial agreement, it doesn't matter what the law says. The prenups will supersede the law. If you have a prenuptial agreement, it solves a lot of the problem ... When there is no prenuptial, people will try to bend the rules and bend the laws to be in their favour, and that will create conflict."

3. He hit his wife twice because, according to him, he was provoked into doing it.

Felix: "We had four physical encounters ... two were initiated by me, two were initiated by her ... without a doubt."

Advice: "It's a trick. When a woman verbally abuses you, it is to provoke you to hit her, and men must be well aware of that. It's a trap!"

4. On the two occasions when his wife hit him first, he did not call the police. The second time when she hit him, and he hit her back, she secretly went to the police.

Felix: "She left ... went to the doctor ... went to court (and) got an ex parte protection order ... The police served me the protection order, and an occupation order. The occupation order didn't take me totally out of the house. It said I had to live at a particular part in the house."

An ex parte order is one made by a judge in the absence of one or more parties. In this case, Felix was unaware of the complaint brought against him by his wife.

Advice: "First thing, never, ever hit a woman ... (However,) if a woman so much as to brush 'gainst you, immediately, no matter how manly you feel, you go immediately to the police station and report it. And if the police laugh at yuh, still report it, and insist that it is recorded, as long as that woman touch yuh ... and yuh feel like a fool to go police station, mek dem laugh affa yuh. You go and get a protection order."

His reasoning, therefore, is not to hit women, even if you are provoked into doing so. For one of the things women can do is to use the Domestic Violence Act to get the man out of the house. Reporting her act(s) of violence against you can work in your favour in the future.

5. He left the matrimonial home to avoid misery and mental torture.

Felix: "The next mistake I made, I should have stayed in the house irrespective of what was going on. Because of how the justice system is slow, it was made out as though I abandoned the house and the family ... so what reach me now? Maintenance order ... I stupidly moved out of the house .... If I wanted to go back into the house, it would have been difficult."

Advice: "Never leave the house. As long as the protection order allows you to be in the house, any form or fashion, never leave it. I left for my own peace of mind, but you put yourself into a worse situation. Never you leave the house, even if (you meet someone else), you make sure you haven't abandoned the house, you keep coming back to the house, you have your key. That way they cannot get you out of the house. (Even though it might be uneasy and miserable) stay, stay."

6. He did not keep a record of his wife's strange behaviour. After their relationship deteriorated significantly because of the dire financial straits that they were going through, his wife's behaviour became suspicious.

Felix: "At that point in time, I should have got a tape recorder, and a diary."

Advice: "The other thing is when you suspect the relationship start going sour, get a diary and you write a little note (of what is done and said) ... Any sudden change in the woman's behaviour you start to make a note."

7. He let her control the purse strings. He gave her all his pay cheques, free reign over their joint account and the cheque book.

Felix: "I want to tell you another stupid thing. Every single cheque I ever got from I was married to her, I gave them to her ... the whole cheque! Guess what? A mi wife ... I was never intending to leave my wife for anybody else ... I never conceived that any woman could leave mi."

Yet, his wife left him, but not before drawing out every cent from their joint account.

Felix: "There was no money for me because the bank account was closed ... Six months before this happened I started noticing some funny behaviour ... is not the normal mental torture ... at that point in time I should have started taking money out separately.

Advice: When things are going downhill, make sure to get a separate account and put some of the money from the joint account into it.

Felix: "Start take out money and put it into your account ..."

And, if the prospect of getting a lawyer is financially daunting, "use legal aid, the legal aid lawyers are very good".

Send feedback to paul.williams@gleanerjm.com