Yahneake Sterling, Staff Reporter

Keeping secrets from your partner is never a good thing, or is it?

More often that not, being secretive about certain issues can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. On the other hand, telling too much too soon can also harm the union. So how do you know when to keep a secret and when to spill the beans?

According to relationship and family counsellor Dr. Sydney McGill, transparency is key in maintaining a healthy relationship.

"When deception is a part of the foundation of the relationship, it's going to fall apart down the road. You owe it to your partner for them to know what he or she is dealing with, so that they can make their own judgement and decision on whether or not this is the person I want to commit my life to," Dr. McGill argued.

But in the early stages of a relationship, Dr. McGill says that couples should be focussed on getting to know each other.

"The things that you want to share are your interests. You have to put your best foot forward, so it has to be the positive things," Dr. McGill told Flair.

Sharing

In the initial stages of the relationship, couples should share the things they like, their similarities and differences, their strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, beliefs (very important) and what turns them on or off. Additionally, couples should introduce each other to their families, spiritual life, social life and emotional life.

However, some secrets may be prematurely revealed. "To blurt out that you were raped or abused after three or so dates would not be the diplomatic thing to do. But as you get deeper in the relationship, these deep things eventually come out, you don't have to schedule them," notes Dr. McGill.

The motive for revealing a secret should always be considered. For some persons, it may be to share more about themselves, but for others, it maybe different.

He cited infidelity as an example. Dr. McGill notes that persons in this situation may have a need to come clean because they are suffering from anxiety and guilt, and the only way to get over those feelings is to tell their partner of their unfaithfulness.

In this case, Dr. McGill says, "So what you'd have to look at is trying to help them to relieve their own anxiety and to look at the causes; what are the unmet needs in the relationship that is causing them to go outside to meet those needs? It may not necessarily be unmet needs, but it may be some habits from the past they are getting involved in."

Dr. McGill re-emphasised the importance of transparency but notes that "we all make mistakes".

Before spilling the beans, there are certain things to consider.

"If (in your opinion) your partner cannot handle the truth and you feel comfortable about withholding it, that is something that will have to be so as to maintain a 'healthy' relationship, where there is not a lot of anxiety. If the person is histrionic, or highly religious or inflexible, you may want to think, should I mention this?" Dr. McGill pointed out while re-emphasising his belief in transparency.

Questions you may ask yourself are: how would I mention it? Where should I mention it? And at what point will the person be able to accept it?

As it regards the number of sex partners, he says that this can be sugar-coated. "You can disclose, but it is how you do it. You can say "yes, I have had a number of sexual experiences", but to tell him/her that you are the 79th person in my black book could be devastating."