Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor

Marriages are constantly under threat of break-up because of that monster called infidelity, despite the marriage vows which explicitly include a promise of "forsaking all others". When this promise is broken, infidelity has occurred in a marriage. Infidelity can take on several different forms and extra-marital involvement takes place over time.

Affairs can be emotionally intense even in non-sexual relationships; they can be purely sexual with no emotional bond, or can include both sexual and emotional involvement. Fidelity occurs if there is a secret sexual and/or romantic involvement outside of a marriage.

Emotional attachment

Infidelity is a term interchanged with adultery, which is more concretely defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and woman with someone other than the spouse experts disagree on precisely what infidelity entails, there is a growing consensus that infidelity is not limited to sexual unfaithfulness, but that it also occurs when a spouse forms a strong emotional attachment outside of marriage.

How many partners commit infidelity? According to renowned psychologist Shirley Glass, author of several books on the subject of infidelity, estimates are that 25 per cent of wives and 44 per cent of husbands have committed infidelity. This, however, does not include emotional affairs in which no sexual activity has taken place.

Pornography

Infidelity begins in the heart and mind and progresses until the person physically commits adultery. Pornography, for example, is one of the worst affairs of the mind. It can easily destroy years of marriage within hours.

Fidelity is diminished when you fail to affirm your spouse, to listen and share feelings and to meet his or her needs. Marital fidelity is further destroyed when you do not set boundaries for media consumption and for social relationships outside the home, like clubs and societies, which may take up so much time at the expense of quality time with your spouse.

Your commitment to your spouse is also weakened when you devalue your spouse and when you spend time fantasising about someone other than your spouse.

Office affairs

Extramarital affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so partners must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. One of the most common types of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that has changed now to co-workers who spend long hours at work together.

Left unchecked, workplace friendships between men and women can easily turn into emotional affairs. Infidelity may start with a hint of temptation which may lead to flirtations, and flirtations turn into attractions which turn into extramarital affairs to ruin your marriage.

Marital fidelity begins long before marriage through the promise you make to yourself to be true and to be a person of faithful character long before marriage enters the picture. Faithfulness to your spouse is strengthened by the promise you make to each other when you get engaged and when you later take the vow at your wedding. The best way to stay being faithful to your partner is to make a daily commitment to seek the best for your spouse and your family.

Telltale signs

How do you know when your spouse may be having an affair? There are several telltale signs:

Working late and having more dinner meetings with clients.

Restlessness at home and spending time in the den with the door closed, claiming that there is office work to be done in privacy.

Eagerness to run household errands to get out of the house in the evenings or on weekends. This allows the opportunity to talk freely with the 'other partner' while away from the house.

Sudden interest in losing weight and attention to self-presentation, such as dyeing the hair to hide the 'greys', or removing fat surgically.

Wearing different style of clothes.

Taking more showers than usual.

Sex becomes routine and lacklustre and the emotional attachment is weakened.

More short-tempered and impatient with children.

Starting arguments or becoming passive.

Increase in credit card and phone bills to solicit 'new clients'.

Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals.

Pulling away from church and extended family activities.

Taking off wedding ring at times.