Nashauna Drummond, Acting Lifestyle Coordinator

According to consultant psychiatrist Dr. Wendell Abel, in relationships we don't always get our fairy tale happily ever after. Dr. Abel was hosting a workshop on relationship makers and breakers at the recent Forever Young Expo held at the Hilton Kingston hotel.

He noted that healthy relationships are ones that have: communication, understanding, trust, respect and honesty. But the most important element he noted was accepting yourself. "Learn to love yourself, accept each other for who they are, value each other's opinion, valuing your partner as an individual, respecting each other's right to his/her feelings," he noted.

Relationship Makers

Dr. Abel suggests the following for a successful relationship.

Never try to change your partner. You can't change anybody but yourself.

Listen to each other.

Understand and affirm each other's emotions. Everyone is entitled to feel sad or hurt.

Do not use the 'You message'. Try to refrain from statements such as, "You are not trying hard enough," etc. It humiliates, accuses, blames, it's judgemental and critical.

He suggests communicating in I message. "I feel ... I would prefer if you..."

State your needs. Everyone has needs; need for sex, touching, approval, felling loved, etc. These should be stated clearly, no mixed signals or guessing game.

Honesty: communicate openly and truthfully.

Admit mistakes or being wrong.

Responsibilities should be shared. Make decisions together, agree on the distribution of work, share financial decisions.

Be willing to compromise. Seek mutually satisfying solutions.

Accept change.

GET OUT

Dr. Abel noted that everyone has the right to be happy, and if you are not happy in a relationship, you need to get out.

He noted that some women remain in unhappy relationships because of poor self-esteem, feel they can't get better, and they fear seeking professional help. In some relationships, one partner is usually reluctant to seek professional help.

"If your partner does not want to go (to a professional), you should go because it's about helping yourself," he emphasised. "The problem may be you. Professional intervention may help you to cope better or realise that you need to move on," he explained.

Accept yourself, love yourself.

Life is 10 per cent what happens, 90 per cent how you respond to it - Charles Swindoll.

Dr. Abel notes that you can control what you think, say and do and these are three of the most powerful things that can change your relationships.

"Affirm what is right and good for you today and affirm the person in your life, if they are not right and good for you get rid of them," he stressed.

Be aware of your own thought

Identify negative thoughts

You are today where your thoughts have brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you - James Allen.

He encouraged the audience to avoid negative people, negative thoughts and negative places as these tear you down.

With our thoughts we make our world better, negative thoughts are toxic. It affects your performance, paralyses you, affects how you perceive others, ourselves and the future. It prevents us from achieving our true potential.

"You will never go higher than you think. Start taking care of yourself, putting higher value on yourself. Take off the discount tag that says half price, or that is how people will treat you," he emphasised.