Ivret Williams Dear Counsellor:
I am not sure if I am making too big an issue of my situation. My spouse will hurt or offend me, and then he acts as if nothing has happened. He then moves on to the next thing. There are times when he has done some very offensive things and he will not apologise, nor will he discuss it.
Whenever I try to bring up the issue, he will get angry and storm out of the house, leaving me feeling more hurt. We are not married but have been living together for the past two years and he takes care of me financially. But he does not feel that he should apologise when he is wrong, nor does he want to discuss the matter. He will even stop talking to me for two or three days and then the next day he will just start talking as if nothing happened.
My family says that I should not worry about it since he is not hitting me, and provides for the house. What do you think?
- Sonya
Dear Sonya:
Each unresolved issue not only subtracts from your emotional bank, it adds emotional toxins to your system. If your spouse has hurt or offended you, it needs to be resolved. And when dealing with the issues, ensure that there is no premature resolution of the situation. This will happen when persons will force themselves to resolve the issues without allowing themselves the time to sort out the issues.
Also, ensure that there is no pseudo-resolution. This is a false resolution that occurs when an individual fools himself or herself into feeling that the issue has been resolved, when it actually has not. Persons will engage in these patterns of behaviour because the spouse might have silenced them by their behaviour or told them to 'get over it' or 'forget it'.
If issuesare not resolved, then emotional pain will result. Emotional pain is not any less painful than physical pain. People respond to emotional pain in different ways. Some will turn inward and brood over their hurts. For others, it may surface in bursts of anger and bouts of depression. Others cope with emotional pain by wearing a mask in order to maintain a semblance of normality. So the world sees a 'happy individual' who underneath is crying out to be heard. This mask enables the individual to remain 'sober' in a dysfunctional relationship. Others will respond by striking back at the offender, rendering 'an eye for an eye' in an effort to protect from further hurt.
rights of a relationship
In a relationship, there are certain rights that you have. You have the right to be heard by your partner, even if your partner has a different point of view. And if your partner has a different view, your view should be treated with respect. If this person wants to stay with you, and you want to remain in the relationship, then you have the right to emotional support. When we do not receive the emotional support we get engaged in emotional dishonesty.
Sonya, do not ignore your pain. If it was physical pain, I am sure your friend would recommend that you see a medical doctor. Do not ignore your right to speak and be heard. Many women find that emotional pain is difficult to talk about and, unfortunately, many persons do not understand the effects of it.
Acknowledge where you are hurting and make your spouse be aware of the pain. Persons will become engaged in emotional dishonesty in order to 'keep the peace', but eventually it will backfire. The end result is a relationship that is emotionally dysfunctional because the persons involved do not know how to be emotionally honest to each other.
Ivret Williams is counselling psychologist. Email: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
