Yahneake Sterling, Staff Reporter

Joe Baxteris a young professional who seems to have everything going for him. An adequate salary, a car and a small family.

At 27, he is seeking to upgrade himself educationally and making plans to purchase a piece of land on which to build his house.

One would think that Joe is a happy man. But he is not. His finace is a very controlling woman who has destroyed his self-esteem.

When he is not at work, he is confined to the home. If he needs to get out, he has to have an excuse, such as visiting his family, and even then, he has to give long explanations as to the nature of the visit.

His time out of the house is monitored and if he isn't where he is supposed to be at a certain time, then an argument is sure to follow.

"I'm not happy with it, but she is the mother of my child and she is good to me, so I just do these things to keep the peace," Joe tells Flair.

His friends have no clue that he would love to hang out with them sometimes, as he pretends to be solely into his family. His fear is that he may be teased. "Sey dem a bad man an a woman run dem head," one dancehall artiste says in his lyrics.

Controlling woman

"It's not that I want to be out every night. I totally love spending time with my daughter and watching her grow, but at least once per week I'd like to have a guy's night out," he explains adding that he feels trapped.

Joe is not the only man who is bound by a controlling woman, but how does one deal with a controlling partner?

Problems

According to psychiatrist Dr. Wendel Abel, intense control in a relationship is a signal of deep-seated problems.

"We carry into our relationship the baggage of the past and the baggage of the past could be what we grew up seeing in our family and the interaction between our parents," he explained.

The baggage may be experiences from past relationships that may have rendered the individualinsecure.

Fear of losing

"Sometimes the person who controls does it out of fear of losing the other party, or they do it because they had been betrayed in previous relationships and they don't want to be hurt. Sometimes it may be out of insecurity. But at the heart of control is the power and it speaks to some distorted dynamics in the relationship," Dr. Abel noted.

Mark Owensadmits that he is a controlling partner. He concurs with Dr. Abel that does affect baggage from the past does his current relationship.

"For me, it was an ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. She always said she was visiting a girlfriend, but in fact she was out with another man," he explains.

"I was heartbroken when I found out and it changed who I am now. My present girlfriend has to give me the details of everything she is doing and most times, I take her where she wants to go, or I let her take a taxi I know," Mark added.

He admits that it is not fair to his new girlfriend, but says it's the only way he can feel secure.

Vicious cycle

According to Dr. Abel, "One of the concerns about these controlling relationships is that they sometimes become abusive, physically, emotionally or verbally.

"The control becomes a vicious cycle when they control, monitor and isolate you from your family and friends ... (this) can be extremely painful and sometimes result in death."

While Mark's case differs from Joe's, a controlling partner is still a cause for concern.

Dr. Abel says that it is a problem that can be rectified in many ways.

How to Handle the problem

Sit and talk it through first, communication is critical to resolving any challenges in a relationship.

If that fails you may want to seek the intervention of a third party, whether it is a family friend, family member or a minister of religion.

If all of that fails, he would strongly advise seeking professional help in dealing with the control issues.

Therapy, Dr. Abel says, will help each person to understand whyone person is controlling, and why the other is allowing himself or herself to be controlled.

However, if one chooses the first option of approaching one's partner on one's own, be careful not to attack the individual.

"As in any situation where you want to initiate communication, start by telling the person how you feel ... and if the person is incapable of responding to your feelings, that's a dangerous sign," Dr. Abel concludes.

Names changed on request

Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Dept. of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies.