Ivret Williams Dear Counsellor:
I am having a serious issue in my relationship. The thing is that whenever I am having sex with my girlfriend, my mind always flashes back to her past relationships (because I have known more than one person who she used to be involved with).
It sometimes affects me by causing me to lose my desire for sex in the middle of the act. I need to get over it. Can you help me please?
- Ricardo
Dear Ricardo:
You are torturing yourself by emotionally rehashing your girlfriend's past relationships. And not only is it affecting you, but by extension her. If in the middle of your love act, you become impotent, then she will be affected by what is happening. This in turn will have a negative effect on the relationship.
Interestingly, you might have wanted to know everything pertaining to your girlfriend's past relationships because you might have felt that the more you know, the better it is for the relationship as there would be no surprises. Unfortunately, this has not proven good for you.
Ricardo, the important word here is PAST. Those relationships that she left behind for one reason or another should not be negatively impacting your present relationship. As long as she is notcontinuing to see any of these persons you should let them remain where they are - in the past.
Maybe you would have felt better with a virgin. I have always been amused by the fact that many men will play the field, but will desire a virgin for a stable relationship. But where have all the virgins gone? Gone to men who've played the field.
The woman you are with is not a virgin and it is either you become comfortable with that or move on. But it is not good for either of you to be punished by her past lifestyle.
Lack of communication creating conflicts
Dear Counsellor:
I am 34 years old and my husband is 38. We have a very good sexual relationship and that is it. We do not have anything to talk about. I am more educated than he is and I think that this sometimes creates conflicts because there are times when he feels that I am showing off on him. What can I do?
- Karen
Dear Karen:
If your husband feels that you are showing off on him because you are more educated, then you need to examine your behaviour. It may not be so, but that is his perception and it would be good for you to see if in an uncanny way, that impression is being given off unintentionally and try to change.
At first glance you may not agree with him, but you could ask him to point out the things you may be doing that he thinks is showing off and you could explain your behaviour.
I must congratulate you on having a good sex life but, unfortunately, sex alone cannot keep a relationship going. You obviously do not have a lot in common you are more educated, I am sure there are things you both can talk about and there are many interests that you could share.
There are many couples who became sexually involved without taking the time to get to know each other. Unfortunately, it is harder to get to know the person after sexual intimacy has taken place.
However, you could postpone some sexual activities and spend the time getting to know each other and also get involved in hobbies common to you both. This will give you something to talk about.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email :letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
