Angela Philipps, Contributor

When, if ever, is it okay to date your ex-lover's friends? This is such a difficult question to answer when you are living on an island as small as Jamaica. It seems like everyone is a friend!!

Therefore, we must first define the term 'friend'. Is this a person we know well, or are our acquaintances 'friends' too? Keep in mind that we are 'friendly' with many acquaintances! Then we need to consider the time line between when the person we like was with our friend and the present situation. Is it okay after a few days, weeks or months? No, not really. What about a year or two? Well that depends on how it all ended, and on any feelings that remain with your friend. And what about after five years? It's probably okay, but even then it might not be wise in certain cases. How would you feel if your ex-lover was with one of your friends? Perhaps you should use that as your gauge.

I've been on both ends. I had a very serious boyfriend a long time ago, and when we broke up he specifically asked me never to date any of his friends. Well at the time, the idea of it was unthinkable. There was no way in hell I was even remotely interested in them. More than four years later and I've already had little romances with two of them! Before you jump up and tell me what an awful person I am, allow me to clarify. My ex does not live here and these two men are not his closest friends, but they have certainly spent many a time together over a six pack of beers.

Did I feel bad about it? No. We went out a long time ago. Did these two men feel bad about it? Not in the slightest!! According to them, that's fair game. Did this hurt my ex? I really have no idea, but he recently got engaged so I can't imagine that he'd be that upset. Would it have wounded me if he'd been with one of my friends? Well that is an interesting question now isn't it! My feelings for this man died over three years ago, and I have been in love with two other guys since then. So I don't think that my heart would have been affected. However, perhaps it would have been a little peculiar for me if he had been out with someone I knew well.

Close shave

Well the tables nearly turned on me a couple months back, with a guy I loved dearly. However, before anything had a chance to happen, my girlfriend came and asked me if I was okay with it. I told her straight out that it would deeply sadden me if anything went on between them, but that it was none of my business what they chose to do about it. To be fair, she did not know the full story because he and I were never actually in a formal relationship, so to speak. Despite that fact, she exercised the 'mates before muff' rule, and I am forever grateful to her for saving me from what I perceive to be indescribable pain.

I have learnt a valuable lesson from my friend's selfless gesture. And I do hope that if I am ever in a potential romantic situation with a chum's ex, that I apply the same dignity and class which she so graciously effected. Human hearts and egos are delicate, and before we act on something, we should really consider how it would affect someone else, and if it would bother us if the circumstances were reversed. Is it really worth losing a friendship for a bit of slap and tickle? I think not. The truth is, it's just not cool to date my friends.

angelaphilippsja@hotmail.com