Love on the rebound.

If you are still sneaking around and having sex with your ex behind your new partner's back, your old relationship is not over. If you are planning your new wedding with the main intention of making your ex green with envy, you are still 'hooked' on this past relationship.

Many have started new relationships but find that the old remains a problem, maintains counselling psychologist Avril Le Vel-James.

"Ole fire stick easy fi catch," the counsellor says, quoting an old saying by way of explanation and noting that many relationships remain so volatile after being 'declared' over that it takes very little to 'rekindle' them again.

" They do not want back the person on a permanent basis but they remain lovers," the counsellor notes.

Mrs. Le Vel-James also states that many new relationships are started in a desperate attempt to erase the old. "There is an obsessive aspect to it, a desperation to replace."

The counsellor notes one situation in which, after separation, the man and woman each got married again very soon after in a competitive strike against each other.

"It was clearly a competition.

" Some people feel that it helps the healing process. But, usually it does not help. They are still living in the past and the new person suffers."

In the obsessive context, new relationships are being assessed by the yardstick of the past relationship. But, why are some old relationships so hard to put away?

Myth of first love

A possible reason for this is the myth of the first love, says Le Vel-James. "The first person that you supposedly love is seen as the 'right one' even after they are gone."

The relationship might also be a habit which is hard to shake.

"We are creatures of habit. We fear change and, because of this, we tend to feel more comfortable with what we are familiar with."

In many cases also, there will be major similarities between successive relationships, with all new partners resembling the first in attributes, if not in looks as well.

The truth about relationships, the counsellor notes, is that break-ups involve a grieving process that must be allowed to run its course.

Instead of band-aiding the situation with a new relationship, take the space to find out what went wrong. "Rediscover yourself," the counsellor advises.

When do you know you are ready for a new relationship? Mrs. Le Vel-James states: "When you have put all the ghosts to rest, when you reach the stage when you are not calling any other person by the person's name - these are signs that you are ready to relate again. When you are not continually measuring the new scenario by the old, when the obsession with the past ends, you are ready."

Evaluation

If your relationship has just ended, Le Vel-James advises you to "do a genuine evaluation. Learn from the process. Grow from it. Become comfortable with yourself. Start seeing yourself in a positive light, because most times when relationships end we figure we were to blame."

When you can see your ex without feeling anger, disgust or yearning, you will know healing is taking place.

"Begin to see the individual as God's creation and wish them genuinely well," Le Vel-James advises.

The counsellor notes that the problem of jealousy often persists, but even this can be overcome.

- Outlook Team