Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I am 42 years old and I have never had a long-standing relationship. Every time I find someone after a while it fizzles out because I find one fault or another with the person and I end the relationship. At other times it is the other person who ends the relationship. I really would like to settle down and have a family but with each passing day the possibility of this happening is lessened. Although I am a Christian, the thought has crossed my mind that if I do not get married I would have a child. I have been praying so long about the matter, what should I do?
Annette
Dear Annette:
There are many women in the church who will never find a spouse. Some have gone back 'into the world' to get a spouse. Others have had a child out of wedlock and are left taking care of the child alone. You say that you have been in short-term relationships. Are these relationships short-term because you are looking for the 'perfect' person? If you are, then you are looking for a needle in a haystack.
Nobody is perfect (even you). Do you know what you are looking for? If you do not know what you are looking for, then when the right person comes along you will be blind to the qualities that are in this person. You may be hopping, skipping and jumping from one relationship to another because you may be looking for the 'perfect' person, or you may not know what you are looking for.
I remember a friend telling me that her fear in getting married is that she may settle for someone and then someone better comes along. This is why it is so very important for you to know what you are looking for in a man and in a relationship.
In the relationships which the men ended could it be that they found you too critical? It would be good to examine yourself to see if there is something in your personality or mannerism that may be pushing persons away from you. You may be able to attract, but not able to keep. Invite criticisms from your friends and family to see how you can change. They can see things about us that are blind to us.
Annette, the 'bitter pill' that many women will be forced to swallow is the fact that not all women will be married or will enjoy a committed relationship. Many factors point to the decreasing number of eligible men. Lack of jobs and the shift in sexual preferences will result in many women, Christian women included, living without a man. What can you do? Learn to enjoy your situation and be contented. Added to that, see if there are changes and improvements that you need to make. And try to be less critical. Who knows, maybe your Mr. Right is right under your nose.
Can a Christian
be happy with a
non-Christian?
Dear Counsellor:
Do you think that it is at all possible for a Christian to be happy with a non-Christian? I am a Christian woman who is 35 years old and I have met this guy who is 28 years old and very interested. He has gone to church with me and he is very serious about a relationship. Most of my friends (Christian friends included) like him very much. Others have said that it would not work out as we are unequally yoked. I have seen couples who are unequally yoked and they have a good relationship, and I have seen other couples that are 'equally yoked' and are unhappy. What are your views on the matter?
Sharon
Dear Sharon:
I do agree with you that there are couples who are 'unequally yoked' and are very happy together. However, religion plays a big role in relationships. Although you are dating this young man there is no guarantee that he may become a Christian which, I am sure, is what you would want. I do hope that his reason for attending church with you is to get to know God for himself and not to impress you.
It is important for this young man to know where you stand on certain issues. Do you share the same interests, the same values, the same goals? What are his views about sex before marriage? If you should choose to get married, you will want a spiritual leader in your home. Will he be able to fill that position? Who are his friends? What are his hobbies?
Let me add that your friends liking him is no guarantee that he is a gem. He may be doing everything to impress you all. You are a Christian, ask God if this is the right man for you. If he is, then I believe that God will work it out for your good. All the best.
Email Ivret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
