Tony Deyal
I FEEL like Old MacDonald. Two of our birdies have flown the coop, my neighbour's parrot tried to, and one of my two little chick-chicks is very ill.
It could be worse. I could be like Farmer Bill. A man was driving along a freeway at 50 mph when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him.
He accelerated to 60 mph, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm with a sign, 'Farmer Bill's Birds'.
The man got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked Farmer Bill, "How come your chickens have three legs?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
First it was Kay-Kay or KK the green budgerigar. She and her mate Jay-Jay were acquired on the same day. JJ got his name from his colour. A bluebird, I suggested the children should name the bird Jay.
FLEW THE COOP
They made it JJ. So the other bird became Kay or KK. One day she flew the coop after an unsuccessful attempt at motherhood. Her egg fell and broke, so perhaps she felt that matrimony wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and chickened out.
It made me wonder why places in which chickens or birds are penned are called 'coops'. Someone said that is because they have two doors. If they had four doors they would be sedans.
My seven-year-old son Zubin was in tears. So we bought him a new little green budgie. By right she should have been the 'L' word but I reserve that for those hens that dance chick to chick. This is why she became 'Bunny'. Don't ask me why, ask Zubin or, better yet, ask Hugh Hefner.
Without warning the third case of 'bird flew'. This time it was JJ, the male budgie. He and his new mate appeared to be getting along splendidly. But it seemed that for him, too, matrimonial bliss had palled and he headed out into the wild blue yonder as fast as his little wings could carry him.
I think it is something called the Coolidge Complex. When Calvin Coolidge was President of the United States, he and his wife visited a modern chicken farm in upstate New York.
Upon viewing some select roosters, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the manager conducting the tour, "Does the rooster copulate more than once a day?"
The man smiled and told Mrs. Coolidge that the rooster often made love 10 or more times per day.
"Well," said Mrs. Coolidge, "please tell that to the President." When he got the message, shyly delivered by the manager, Mr. Coolidge enquired, "Does the rooster copulate with the same hen every time?" The staff person responded quickly, "No, always with a different hen." "Well" said the President, "please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
What sounded like JJ's farewell 'cheep, cheep' could not be a reference to us since he had a very expensive cage. However, he left on the same day poor Bunny laid an egg. Now she sits on it sadly and without a male to feed her, is starving. My wife has some pretty harsh things to say about JJ's behaviour including that it is a 'typical' male reaction. The children believe that JJ left us to search for KK but with men you never know. Having deserted a bird in the hand, one never knows what JJ will do in the bush.
In the meantime, Zubin is ill with tonsillitis and a constant fever. He also had cold feet, so I explained that it also meant that he was scared.
That led to my trying to cheer him up with puns. Things like, 'Why did the turkey cross the road?' To prove he wasn't chicken. 'Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?' Because he was a dirty double-crosser.
CHICKEN JACUZZI
The mandatory chicken soup for the sick and the soul also provided, 'Why did the chicken end up in the soup pot?' Because the farmer's wife told her it was a chicken Jacuzzi. There was the hyena that ate the Maggi cube and made a laughing stock of himself.
Then there were the two parrots sitting on a perch and one asked the other, "Do you smell fish?" If you didn't get that one, try this. Mother firefly had warned her brood to keep their lights out while navigating hostile territory where dangerous bats lurked. Then one of the youngsters switched his light on. When reprimanded by his mother he explained, "I know, Mum, but if you've gotta glow, you've gotta glow."
Tony Deyal, who was born in the Year of the Rooster, was last seen asking, "What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?" A bird that talks your ear off.
