Keisha Shakespeare, Staff Reporter
FOR 10 years she was molested then raped by her stepfather.
Jennywas six years old when her stepfather started sexually molesting her. The molestation continued until she was 16 years old. And when she was nine years old her raped her.
"He crawled into my bed and started having sex with me. This was the worst time ever. It was even worse than the pains I endured during his molestation. I felt dirty and I hated him even more," said Jenny sadly.
Throughout her traumatic experience she had no one to turn to for help. Her mother who perhaps would have been able to help her was mentally ill.
"My mother was suffering from a mental breakdown and was in and out of the Bellevue Hospital."
ANGRY, DISGUSTED
Jenny became angry and
disgusted with the situation but she felt the only way she could help her mother is surrendering to him.
"I felt the only way my mother would be free from her pain was if I did what he wanted. I thought if I refused he would hit her more."
In an attempt to comfort both her mother and herself she often skipped school to spend time with her. " I used to crawl into the bed beside her and keep her company. I was her only comfort and when I was around there was always a smile on her face."
Jenny's childhood became one that was filled with hatred and resentment especially towards her step-father. Not having anywhere to go or anyone to talk to she was very sad. And to make matters worse, other male relatives started taking advantage of her too.
"My step-father was not the only 'blackheart' man in my life. On several occasions when I was about eight years old I noticed that close family friends and even a few male relatives molested me too. I thought it was the norm cause I had to do what they wanted me to do or suffer the consequences. I thought no one would believe me if ever told them."
She kept her dilemma a secret until she was 13 years old when she decided to tell her pastor. He did nothing, he just told her some story about forgiveness. She did not disclose her secret to anyone else until she met her ex-boyfriend last year. Before her ex-boyfriend she hated and
distrusted men.
HATRED
"I hated men so much that all I wanted to do was to hurt them. As such I have never had a smooth relationship because all the guys I had been with turned their backs on me. And when I had sex with them it was just for their pleasure. I made them believe I was having a good time but I was not. After sexual intercourse I often curled up in the bathroom and cried. I was never able to love or to return love. I just felt bitter."
Though Jenny was unable to trust or love men she had a change of heart a year ago after meeting her ex-boyfriend. "He was a wonderful man so I decided to give him a chance and tried to love him. But I found out he was cheating on me."
Shortly after her ex-boyfriend's betrayal all the hatred she felt towards men returned and she decided to get back at him. "I went and had sex with another guy trying to find the comfort that I wanted. I hated being alone and I also wanted to hurt my boyfriend."
ABORTION
To make matters worse she got pregnant for her ex-boyfriend and he made her do an abortion. The abortion only complicated things even more. Though she loved him and wanted him to love her back he did not. He left her for another woman.
Currently, Jenny, 27, is filled with pain and hatred. She swears that she would never let another man come close to her again. "I will never allow another man to hurt me again.
"I have no love and no feelings as I am feeling pain and emotional loss. I am led to believe that the only man I was ever close to walked away from me. Now I hate myself all over again.
I truly want these feelings to go away and I wanted to be able to love and to feel what love is like. I wanted someone to love me for who I am and not for what they want me to be."
For the 21 years of Jenny's life she battled with one traumatic experience after another and she has never received counselling. However, she has been directed to Woman Inc., an organisation that provides counselling to rape and battered females.
