Sidney McGill
ABOUT SEVEN years ago I went to church on Father's Day, listened to a sermon about the vices of Jamaican fathers and at the end was presented with a book about how to become a responsible father, entitled Wake Up Men!
The book has been gathering dust on my shelf ever since, awaiting a desperate reader with iron clad feelings to dispassionately delve into it. And I am by no means that passive reader who will tolerate male bashing in print. The problem of irresponsible fathering is a moral and cultural problem that had it genesis in slavery. Both Jamaican men and women must accept blame for today's epidemic of irresponsible fathering. Most houses are headed by women who release the reigns from their boys too soon or have more children than they can afford, all with different men.
The universal stereotype of fathers is that they are inept and half wits in the area of home management and family life. The stereotype is outdated when applied to an ever -expanding group of men who are taking their family responsibilities seriously, albeit that responsible fathering is not what most Jamaican men do by default. The numerous fatherless and unwanted children are sufficient proof (and ram goat pride) of many Jamaican men's irresponsibility. Today, however, I want to rap with men who are trying to be responsible fathers.
LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE
A chief concern of women who live with men is how to help them improve their poor communication skills. Granted that the problem of a man's isolation and silence began at the onset of puberty, he still can learn to get in touch with his feminine side in order to more accurately express his feelings. Men must learn the value of words to manage the feelings of others. Words can build or they can destroy. If he has the habit of losing his temper and saying whatever comes to mind then he is liable to inflict life-long wounds on others. But if he weighs the effects of his words before releasing them, he will be able to teach, correct and build self-confident and happy people in his household.
MORE DIRECT SPEAKING
For example, he must learn to talk differently to children of varying ages. Compare the slight differences in the following three statements:
"I want you to wash the dishes after dinner."
"I think you should wash the dishes after dinner."
"I would appreciate it if you wash the dishes after dinner."
The first sentence is more appropriate for younger children since the more direct your words are the better they will understand. The more mature the child, the softer the directions ought to be. Men tend not to be clear in their verbal communication with children. For example, if you tell young Kemar to wash the dishes, he may only wash the dishes and leave the dirty utensils and cups in the sink. You must say what you mean and mean what you say by being specific and certain with him. The responsible father knows that delayed obedience is disobedience. He should not have to count to 10, raise his voice or repeat himself because he was clear in his instructions the first time he gave them.
A course of action he can take to deal with disobedience is to call a family meeting and protect his spouse during the discourse. If his last resort is to spank the child, then he should discuss the problem with him in privacy and only spank when he is not angry.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director,
Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
