Saving your marriage Heather Little-White, Ph.D., contributor MARRIAGE, AS an institution, is supposed to provide a delightful sense of unity with your partner. Have you been married for a long time and now worried about the state of your marriage? Soon after marriage, couples wake up to the realities of sharing a life with someone in whom imperfections become glaring and minor irritants, once insignificant, now loom large. Together, partners enter a period of adjustment with the hope that the irritations will improve, but in many instances, the situation does not improve. How have personal differences that seemed so insignificant at the beginning at the start of the marriage caused so much pain in your marriage? According to Guy Greenfield, author of Reigniting Love and Passion in Marriage, "it is better to ask for an ambulance than a hearse because the marriage is dying". It is well established that couples married for a long time may experience emotional pain as a result of disappointments and unmet expectations during the life of the marriage. In many marriages, partners experience unmet emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs. Bob and Meg (names changed) have been married for 32 years and are finally facing divorce because their marriage died and they didn't even recognise it. Meg, on marrying expected, her husband to make her life complete, in an emotional sense, because of the lack of love during her childhood, losing both parents at an early age and being fostered by an unloving couple. Soon after their marriage, Bob mistook his wife's demands for more closeness and emotional intimacy as an insatiable need for romance and sex. Bob, on the other hand, wanted Meg to be the perfect housewife and be there for him when he came home and wanted to be pampered and be ready for sex on his terms. Meg worked from home as a financial consultant after the two children reached school age. She wanted her husband to understand her needs for independence and carving her niche in the field. Clash of expectations Needless to say, the clash of expectations continued to intensify throughout the marriage despite several attempts to "talk it out" but these talks were far from fruitful and usually ended up in a blame game, failing to reach solutions that are often long-range. Men and women are different and their differences can spark passion, romance and love, yet they can trigger attitudes and emotions that sap the life of the marriage. How can you tell that your marriage is dying, or have already died? You may experience symptoms such as anger, rage, emotional pain, depression, infidelity, revenge, distance, feelings of being taken for granted, separation, rationalisation and psychosomatic illnesses (Greenfield). Soul-searching To save your marriage, there are some soul-searching questions that you should use during an examination of the union. Did you bring unrealistic expectations at the start of the marriage? Did you have too many expectations in the early stages of the relationship?
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